World of Bernd, Party of One

Thoughts on the Final Day of my 22nd year

2008-05-29T15:43:00.000+08:00

Another semester comes to an end, and come to think of it, I will be year 3 when the next semester starts... heck, I am not even sure if my second year was successful. I finally decided to do something meaningful (like blogging) only now, even though my day of liberation arrived on the 8th of May. Reason being that I very much wanted to be able to laze around and indulge in a time which I could really call my own, after the exertions of another crazy semester, academically and personally, psychologically, emotionally and mentally, I was drained.

So for the past two weeks, it has been random net surfing, reading local community forums (which can be very informative and resourceful), watching DVDs, religiously following the serial drama every night (which is extremely addictive), playing PS3, brushing up and aiming to improve my Japanese language, becoming a tennis freak and training up physically, which is a great way to release pent-up frustrations. Of course, I have been busy job-hunting too, upon seeing so many of my friends doing something important this break, be it internships, part-time jobs or projects etc. Occasionally, a feeling of guilt and shame will overcome me, after analysing how "useless" I am. Fingers-crossed, I hope to land myself a temporary assignment before June starts.

Forced circumstantially and out of habit, I would like to review this period of life semester by semester. First of all, it is a good way to ensure that I do not forget many of those events that made me and broke me, and that I have to learn. This developmental stage method can be quite useful. Secondly, it gives me a good excuse not to update my blog every once in a while. And from what happened to a blogger who was arrested recently, it seems that not blogging too often can be a good thing after all.

Well, for a semester that had promised so much, it has nearly ended in tatters. I use the word nearly, for everything hangs on my results, which will be released next week (coincidentally, on my 23rd birthday). It does seem that I should be on course for greatness this semester, seeing how my projects had panned out, with A's and A-'s obtained in every piece of assignment and project (except for tourism), but you can never be too sure of any outcome for it ain't over till the fat lady sings.

For now, I am just glad to be able to experience everything that comes my way and not bother myself too much or being too obsessed with chasing the impossible. The natural disasters in Myanmar, especially the China earthquake, has reminded me about the fragility of life and how everything can be taken away in an instant. Being alive and able to experience life fully is a gift in itself. What is meant to be, will eventually be. Forcing the matter will just not work out at all and may even bite you back. I think what matters is to be at peace with yourself, accept eventualities, for whatever you do, it is damned if you do and damned if you don't, which is how 变奏曲 "Rhythm of Life" depicts the pervasive effect of decisions made by an individual.

On the eve of the long-awaited and long-dreaded 30th of May, I guess this is what I have learnt in my 22nd year of existence. Of all, I feel the biggest blessing for me is to be able to learn Sociology and really understand the subtle mysteries of social life, reinforcing my stand, after a lengthy consideration of my circumstances, that I would most probably remain a withdrawn social participant yet being observant and analytical to the smallest details.

Another year older, another year of youth diminished, another year experienced, another year closer to the end...

Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

UEFA Champions League Winners!

2008-05-27T12:12:00.000+08:00

Flashback: 26th May 1999. I stared in disbelief at the television screen as my team, Manchester United, did the impossible by scoring two goals in injury time and winning the Champions League by coming back from being a goal down. I jumped for joy, albeit silently and restrained, for it was in the wee hours of the morning. I never thought I had another chance to savour such a sweet moment of triumph...

Now: 21st May 2008. It was '99 all over again. This time round had a different feel, as I was watching the Moscow final at a friend's house. An early goal from Ronaldo and a lucky goal from Chelsea could not separate both sides, yet I felt somehow Man United had fate on their side, and probably deserved to win too. I thought all was gone when it came to Chelsea's 5th penalty with the scores at 4-4... just like how I felt it was all gone when the linesman displayed the 3 minutes of injury time back at Barcelona with Man United 0-1 down.

Terry slipped and missed, Van der Sar saved the 7th penalty... and the job was completed. It was a second coming for me, having the chance to relive the joy of '99 and being able to witness Manchester United winning 2 of their 3 European victories! I celebrated along with them and revelled in their joy, even though I was thousands of mile away. I took great pleasure in watching the disappointed faces of money-faced Kenyon, Cole(s), Mikel, and how the arrogant faces of Ballack and Terry transformed to one of utter dejection. It was sweet victory, sweet revenge. If only their manager was still Mourinho, it would even have been sweeter.

It was indeed a special night for Manchester United and for myself.

逃生をしたい

2008-04-13T12:44:00.001+08:00

一生中能有多少挫折？不断的受了一段又一段的打击和失败，心已承受到了麻木的境界，孤单的侵袭从习惯变成了喜欢。五四三二一。。。一个人倒数孤单。

需要找一个出口。。。逃。生。誰能知道？此刻錯身而過的....是短暫停留的過客?
還是一生不可取代的幸福?
無法確定, 該要往哪個方向走? 才能遇見幸福重生的曙光？所以繼續在這個城市中,不斷的....

相遇。停留。交錯。

逃生
高脚杯里你的唇印带上冷漠刺青
是一张心碎证明
冷风过境收进心底痛苦无力防御
手一摊就被占据

脱罪的话你可以说了千遍还不腻听到的和感觉到的有差距

放过自己放过压抑放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击孤单侵袭习惯就可以
感情的戏我没演技赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃只好不回忆
用沉默反击
逃生的路会在哪里
我要自由不要窒息
曾经以为你就是氧气原来的是闹剧
爱过一场输得彻底

高脚杯里你的唇印带上冷漠刺青
是一张心碎证明
冷风过境收进心底痛苦无力防御
手一摊就被占据

脱罪的话你可以说了千遍还不腻听到的和感觉到的有差距

放过自己放过压抑放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击孤单侵袭习惯就可以
感情的戏我没演技赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃只好不回忆
用沉默反击
逃生的路会在哪里我要自由不要窒息
曾经以为你就是氧气原来的是闹剧
爱过一场输得彻底

放过自己放过压抑放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击孤单侵袭
喜欢就可以
感情的戏我没演技赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃只好不回忆
用沉默反击

A Leap of Faith Away From A Month of Shock

2008-02-29T23:58:00.001+08:00

Well it has been a month of shock and changes. First shock that hit me was the realisation that there are 29 days this month, which partly explains my deliberate attempt to blog an entry on this day. So much for the ordinary man attempting to celebrate insignificant details of daily life to mark the developmental change in one's life cycle. The shock involved in this long February (well, longer by one more day) was of such tremendous magnitude that even the usual font I selected looks different.

The second shock was the sudden revival of my blog's popularity and demand for new entries. I actually have 2 requests (yes 2 requests!), not 1 but 2, request to see a new entry. I never dreamt that this day would actually arrive, for it is as rare as Singapore winning the bid to host something big in 2010 and having a terrorist set loose in our midst. Wait, these did happen... Which has left me reeling in even more shock.

To be honest, all the hype about the youth olympic games did not excite me at all for I see it as a poor attempt to deflect public attention from the earlier proposed plan of Singapore 2010, which is a blueprint drawn out for Singapore's football squad to make it to the finals of the World Cup. If that has no realistic chance of happening, the sports council figured that something must be done to avoid a barrage of complains from the incensed public pointing out what a bore Singapore is. But anyway, kudos to whoever made this YOUTH olympic possible for it may finally make us famous and people will finally realise that Singapore is, in fact, not a part of China! On the other hand though, the situation may be made worse given the fact that there is Beijing 2008 for the Olympics and Singapore 2010 for the youth olympics, as the close proximity of the two olympic games may reinforce the wrong ideas that some people hold, that Singapore is, in fact, some part of China. Well, shit happens.

Contradictory and confusion are currently the dominators in my life right now, as you can see from the olympic games proposition earlier, as I attempt to complete a 3-page (yes not 1, not 2 but 3) philosophy essay. I never had to endure so much pain writing an essay before and I will be honestly very very glad when it is all done and dusted. As it is, fatigue fills my mind to the brim as I have also just completed a 11-page social work essay. Just another week in an undergraduate's life...

The shock for February is not over. On the 22nd (i.e. 22/2/2008), I had my only tutorial of the day and proceeded to the deck for my usual lunch. Just as I was about to settle down after buying some food, a sickening cracking sound followed by a loud growl pierced the air. From where I was seated, I had the vantage point of the entire construction site of the NUS alumni site and I witnessed the 60m-tall crane crashing down. It seemed so surreal yet the impact it had was devastating. I immediately abandoned any thoughts of it being a mediated incident as the angle which it fell had pulverized some trees nearby. That instant when it fell felt like an eternity as I cast a worried glance towards the crowded bus stop (which was about 2-3m away from where the crane head landed) and the lecture theatre nearby (which was about 20m away). Upon first look, I was shocked but I assured myself that nobody must have been injured as the site under the crane was just an empty piece of ground, with not much activity going on. After talking with a contractor who was evacuated from the construction site and knowing more about the accident, I discovered that 3 people had been killed and 2 injured. The news of these deaths struck me hard as I could only stand and look on in a daze. I find it difficult to believe that at the moment which I was eating, 3 unfortunate souls lost their lives just about 100m away. Having witnessed such a disaster, my perspective of life has definitely changed as the sheer fragility of life strikes me. I have to learn to appreciate the opportunity of living and experiencing stuff everyday now, even all the shit that comes with it, as some others who want to may not have the chance to do so. May God bless the 3 departed souls in the NUS crane accident.

The very next day, while watching a football match, the notion of cherishing whatever one has was again further drilled into my head. In the third minute of the Birmingham vs Arsenal game, Arsenal forward Eduardo had his leg broken in two places while being tackled by a Birmingham defender. On first look, it did not look that serious (just like that crane incident when I first saw it) but the pictures of the bad tackle was horrifying. Eduardo had broken and dislocated his ankle in what the surgeons had called it a compound fracture. Sometimes I am glad for my decision to play tennis instead of football as some of these injuries in football can be really really nasty.

Moving onto a lighter note, February has taught me that life sometimes unknowingly paves the path for me gradually, no matter what problems present itself. And, the right time will definitely present itself for a particular desire you have been hungry for before, which you may have already forgotten about it or given it up. I have never been so sure about anything before but I am a 100% sure that PS is trying to avoid me like the plague. It breaks my heart to realise this and to even note it down but this is reality. Why would anyone back away from a bus that they were intending to board and when they were just only three steps away from the bus entrance? Well, the answer must be because they saw somebody who seriously disgusts them and who had just boarded the bus before them. Yes, that person is in fact (me) and sad to say, it really sucks to be me.

Nonetheless, the sociology of tourism module presented me with the chance to get to know Irys better as we have to complete a research study together. My memory of Irys was that I used to be crazy over her and even joined a camp with another friend in hope of getting the chance to know her back in year 1. That did not turn out too well and I have moved away from that turbulent year ever since. Now, having the opportunity to work with her with my feelings already detached from my mind, I must say that she is really a fun person to be with and an amazing, organized worker, which complements my style perfectly. Hopefully, our pairing will make this research a success.

Looking forward, may I MARCH on (pun fully intended) strongly and find the peace within myself to cherish whatever I have. In addition, may I get the inspiration to select the best and appropriate presents for the huge number of 21st birthday-friends that I have.

时光机，能够让一切重来吗？

2008-02-14T15:33:00.000+08:00

那阳光碎裂在熟悉场景好安静
一个人能背多少的往事真不轻
谁的笑谁的温暖的手心我着迷
伤痕好像都变成了曾经

全剧终看见满场空座椅灯亮起
这故事好像真实又像虚幻的情景
只是那好不容易被说服的自己
借口又顶不住懊恼的侵袭

好后悔好伤心
想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔好伤心
谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明

真的痛总是来得很轻盈没声音
从背后慢慢缓缓抱着我就像你
你和我还有很多的地方还没去
为何留我荒唐的坐在这里

好后悔好伤心
想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔好伤心
谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明

最后又是孤单到天明

Virulent Day

2008-02-14T13:14:00.001+08:00

Having the luxury and fortune of having no lessons at all today, I get the extra little bit of time to dump some of my thoughts here. Makes moving around a little less burdensome, at least with a clearer mind. Somehow or rather, this particular Thursday just does not feel like any other Thursdays, for there seems to be an air of dread, boredom and resignation that is stronger than usual. Then it dawned upon me that it must be valentine's day, the deadliest day for those individuals who have yet to attain that glorified state of being as defined by the social.

I find it highly amusing that, just about 2-3 weeks ago, having no idea of what possessed me, I embarked on a wonderful plan (I thought it was wonderful at that time) to try to make my presence felt with another girl before it went oh-so-horribly wrong. Back then, I had the guts to even fantasize about looking forward to this day when I assumed I should have the chance to snag a date with her, for I had 2-3 weeks back then to do so. Fast forward to 2-3 weeks later, and I find myself sitting at home blogging away, planning what readings to do and which assignments to start, maybe going for a run later before dragging my ass to work at night. So it seems that this day was planned for me a long time ago. So its just me, myself and I on this dreary Thursday.

On the bright side, I get my time to myself, I get to blog (bleah), I get to avoid being charged exorbitantly by evil restaurants looking to overcharge dummies today, I do not have to plan for something so meticulously and end up not meeting somebody else's expectations, I get to observe people's nonsensical behaviours that society prescribes and best of all, I get to be myself. This is what happens when you get left alone for too long, so much so that I feel a slight uneasiness and discomfort when being with somebody else that I have yet to know better.

Yet, I cannot deny that a part of me still wants to get up close and personal with the elusive PS. Nonetheless, if that does not happens, life has to go on and it is rising above human cravings that makes oneself a better being. I learnt this from a book that I picked up at the central library entrance as it was Buddhism week, and a book titled "What's the purpose of life?" caught my attention. I felt it was interesting to look and learn about other religions and their way of life as a Catholic. Gaining a multi-perspective insight about life would definitely help in one's quest for improvement.

Chinese New Year has come and gone, and that marks the starting point where assignments, research studies and projects take off. Hopefully, everyone of them, individual essays, partner-project or large group project (SC 2216 & PH 1101E & SC 2205, SC 2217 and GEK 1012 respectively) will all be a success as I bid to secure a 2nd upper grade that seems realistic and achievable only via this semester.

Moving on, I believe everything will fall into place gradually, as I learn to live pretty much for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Putting aside the PS setback and my cousin and his girlfriend's attempt to matchmake me with "Cloverfield", I will emerge a better person when this day comes to an end.

Reminiscing about November 2nd 2007, January 14th 2008...

The Second Beginning, A Second Life

2008-02-06T22:08:00.000+08:00

我们常常问别人：“你最近好不好？”但我们到底有没有问过我们自己“我好不好？”... January has come and gone in a blink of an eye. In a flash, the first month of 2008 is over and what a turbulent start it has been. As all five of my modules are different from most of my friends, I am taking it alone, save for Contemporary Social Issues with Shamala and Dawn plus Sociology of Tourism with Irys! I guess this is my own version of Super Tuesday... Anyway, it felt like a big change, never mind if it is a refreshing or welcomed one, since the last two semesters were spent taking modules with Xueying and Serene, and occasionally Fabius. Having not met with Serene for sometime, she raised the above question while chatting online, asking me how have I been, leaving me to ponder about my state of life.

Well, January was a month that held so much promise, so much hope and I began planning my time table meticulously, hoping to grab the opportunity to chat up with Peishan whenever it arises. Similarly, I crossed my fingers for my modules to turn out decent and interesting, able to engage me and also not to take up too much time. The latter turned out quite alright and module-wise, I am glad that this semester looks to be manageable. But it is the former that has left me still crossing my fingers for far too long now, till I suspect that my index finger and middle finger have switched places. What's worse is that nothing (not even anything good) came out of it, and I got a sneaky feeling that I emerged from it not a hero, but a despicable, disgusting, rude, lustful women-deprived maniac who has a tendency to stalk poor innocent girls. At least that is what I thought how I was perceived given the messy messy situation.

Eliminating the possibilities that she could be a) somebody with homosexual tendencies or b) attached to a handsome charming prince riding a white horse, the situation would not have degraded to such an extent if people would just discard their pessimistic and negative expectations of others around them.

An encounter with a blind man at a bus stop along Bukit Timah Road the other day was a refreshing experience for me. There I was, waiting for the elusive 74 when somebody bumped into me from behind. Instead of screaming crazily thinking that somebody attempted to molest me (not surprising nowadays, even more men are displaying homosexual tendencies... think Ranneth) or instinctively swinging my arm to punch whoever knocked my back, I simply turned and observed. A poor blind man was struggling along the pavement, trying to make his way to the bus stop. No one seemed to bother about his existence so I removed my earphones and took the initiative to help. He was waiting for bus 961 and I agreed to help him keep a lookout. It was amazing how two total strangers can chat about anything under the sun, from work to family to job experience etc, without suspicion or inhibitions. It is as if the absence of sight actually facilitated the conversation and the atmosphere was so much friendlier. Maybe I look freaky to Peishan, but I really feel that the individualized and capitalist mind has distanced people from each other.

When a mismatch arises between ideals, expectations and reality, what do you do? Well, sociology taught me to abandon ideals and move on to avoid complicating my own emotions. Emotions and Social Life came in handy there. The first sign of moving away was the absence of any trace of her info in my organizer, so the start of February looks encouraging. Seriously, it was for my own good as this began to have detrimental effects on my life.

I had a sneak preview of Chinese New Year at my cousin's wedding last weekend. The first question when my family sat down at a table with my grand aunty was "So do you have a girlfriend?" This was followed by two to three more consecutive similar questions by other relatives. I may have to expect more to come during the festive celebrations. It was not so much of their inquisitiveness that bothered me but the constant reminder that I do not fit in the regular social expectations of what is deemed to be a sign of maturity in life. I do not need this extra reminder that my reality is not legitimised by society. I guess that laughter, besides being the best medicine, is the best method to avoid the brunt of their cruel questions.

I can safely say that the feeling of anomie has reached its peak within me, which according to Srole, I totally agree with his five statements which measured anomia.
1. In spite of what some people say, the lot of the average man is getting worse.
2. It's hardly fair to bring children into the world with the way things look for the future.
3. Nowadays a person has to live pretty much for today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
4. These days a person doesn't really know who he can count on.
5. These's little use writing to public officials because they aren't really interested in the problems of the average man.

Well, on Lunar New Year's eve, I naturally hope that all negative feelings will dissolve and things will be fine once again on this second beginning. 1st of January was a fault start, will this start be a better one?

January in Song

2008-02-06T21:54:00.000+08:00

A new song written for 杨宗纬, the winner of 超级星光大道. The lyrics were just so mesmerizing and meaningful, that it brought a tear to my eye just by listening to it. The rendition by 杨宗纬 was singing at its very best, portraying the helplessness and painful message that the lyrics expressed. I just had to put it up on the blog as the feeling I had after listening to it was indescribable. It is a fitting song for my turbulent January as well...

洋葱
如果你眼神能够为我片刻的降临
如果你能听到心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己像是空气

大家都吃著聊著笑著今晚多开心
最角落里的我笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我
永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你
偷偷的隐藏著自己

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望装得很风趣
我就样一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒专属的剧情

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意

你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意。。。

Perhaps I should un-cross my fingers already.

Life, With A Hint Of "Reel-ity"

2008-01-20T21:58:00.000+08:00

There is a Chinese saying which goes "人生如戏，戏如人生", and to say that this adage has been an accurate description of the going-ons in life is an understatement. After watching Mediacorp celebrating its 25th anniversary last month with two award programmes, one extra award ceremony specially for honouring all its classic dramas in the past 25 years, fond memories flooded my mind as the familiar scenes and actors once again appeared on my television screen. These were the stories that accompanied me through my innocent childhood, turbulent teenage years and every highs and lows of my short, yet eventful, stay on this planet. As I appreciated the efforts of these actors and actresses, watching on as they received their awards for their long service and impressionable acting which , I cannot help but feel that the reason why nostalgia surrounds the box lies in the fact that it is actually our life story being depicted in the screenplay, and every bit of it belongs to us, close to our hearts. And as I discovered for myself, this truth is one that cannot be denied.

For the past month, or past year considering that it is already 2008 now, or so, I feel this period of life has been nothing short of dramatic. One influential factor in tinting such a reality is the serial drama, The Golden Path, which is currently showing on TV now. At first glance, I dismissed it as another poorly-scripted and over-hyped production by Mediacorp, like many of the serial dramas it is churning out in recent times But it took a mere 15 minutes to get me hooked on this intriguing storyline, and it was just the 4th episode. The Golden Path has everything that a blockbuster drama serial could ask for, it reveals the innocence of a child in the past and the way these characters transform as they mature, not forgetting the secrets, betrayals, incestual relationship, unrequitted love and the protagonist, Li Nanxing, who was forced into a life of crime and violence, sadly due to certain circumstances. His acting in this drama was also extremely impressive.

Just recently, I got the rare opportunity to view another friend's blog, whom I never thought I would get a chance to, as she seems to be the kind who consistently refuses to reveal alot of her life to me, for reasons I cannot comprehend. Anyway, it dawned upon me that very often in life, we live everything out with very little knowledge or insight as to what are the other perspectives concerning us, that truly matters. Only by getting the whole picture, it is possible for us to make accurate decisions and appropriate measures to cope with the changing situation, and regret would probably never exist today. But I guess not everything can be perfect. Due to the extreme subjectivity nature of language, I can only say that knowing just that little bit more and realising that you have missed the boat can be far more painful than being ignorant and keeping yourself cooped up in your own world, for you would not even know if the boat was available in the first place, eliminating the possibility of you missing out on anything at all.

The year has got off to an okay start so far, nothing too fantastic or disastrous, yet. A little bit of disorder has just crept into my life, with irrationality and infatuation dominating my mind's proceedings, and thanks to you-guessed-it, Peishan (or is it Pei Shan?). Having gained a slight insight into her schedule for this semester, it was with great anticipation and excitement that I brought with me into the new semester, harbouring hopes of seeing her again and also the possibility of talking to her. But I guess nothing good can come out of it yet again, as things always seem to go terribly wrong each and everytime. It shall be recapped in a January wrap up, and hopefully, things may have improved just that little bit by then. Thanks alot, Murphy, you're the man.

Music To My Ears

2007-12-31T16:14:00.000+08:00

The long year has finally come to an end, and as cliche as it may sound, tomorrow is another brand new beginning. One aspect of life that constantly amazes me, at the same time providing me a source of healing and consolation, is music. A well-penned song with lyrics that touches the heart and soul, coupled with soothing and melodious music, is the perfect pick-me-up for those discouraged, weary or burdened. Five of these songs stand out for me this year as the best written songs for me, as relevant to my own reality.

达尔文 - 蔡健雅
我的青春也不是没伤痕
是明白爱是信仰的延伸
什么特征人缘还是眼神
也不会预知爱不爱的可能

保持单身忍不住又沉沦
兜着圈子来去有时苦等
人的一生感情是旋转门
转到了最后真心的就不分

有过竞争, 有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真, 学会忠诚
适者才能生存
懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

我的青春有时还蛮单纯
相信幸福取决于爱得深
读进化论我赞成达尔文
没实力的就有淘汰的可能

我的替身已换过多少轮
记忆在旧情人心中变冷
我的一生有几道旋转门
转到了最后只剩你我没分
----------------------------------------
留下 - 许美静
刚刚梦里还有他
多么幸福和感伤
梦里外的我们真的爱过吗

没有呼吸的天空
告别蒙了一层沙
忘了我是谁困在哪一段时差

将我留下
也许能逃过遗憾和挣扎
缘已逝
爱成了握不住的手中沙
放不下
你冷笑中有一丝苦涩的牵挂
如果重新开始
需要用什么代价
----------------------------------------
路人甲 - 侧田
爱情面前我异常无助
没人倾诉我只好装酷
是自己的失误还是他人介入
晴朗天空顿时乌云密布

心里有数要自我保护
越陷越深我执迷不悟
是自己不让步或是自愿盲目
这把赌注让快乐从此落幕

若她还是当年的路人甲
我或许还能保持昔日潇洒
面对出局的红卡
此时只能装聋作哑

若她还是当年的路人甲
我或许还能保持昔日潇洒
淡然一句做朋友吧
把我的心敲碎了那一霎

不是没有耐力和毅力
只是提起勇气已大伤元气
重新寻找生命里最大意义
说服我自己憧憬已成了回忆

若她还是当年的路人甲
我或许还能保持昔日潇洒
面对出局的红卡
此时只能装聋作哑

若她还是当年的路人甲
我或许还能保持昔日潇洒
淡然一句做朋友吧
把我的心敲碎了

敲碎了。。。
----------------------------------------
身外物 - 黄星魁
一段相处一张脸谱
生命延续靠别人记住
入伍退伍都有人哭
走或来你我都是单数
身体和财富都是身外物
都是暂时借来完成短促的演出
人类是租户爱却是礼物
哪怕物归原主
爱也不会结束

越想填补越不清楚
有些梦会扰乱了脚步
谁比较苦谁认了输
反正命运只有这条路

身体和财富都是身外物
都是暂时借来完成短促的演出
人类是租户爱却是礼物
哪怕物归原主

留下来不能改
是种浅浅的思念好深的情怀
生命色彩

身体和财富都是身外物
都是暂时借来完成短促的演出
人类是租户爱却是礼物
哪怕物归原主爱也不会结束
----------------------------------------
投名状 - 刘德华
一条谜样的道路
一段凌乱的旅途
一直挥不去命运的雾

投名状走到分叉路
决定是难免会痛苦
等待你下了注没有退路

已经很清楚一切已落幕
也许你快乐我也被说服

加快了速度心已经麻木
一口气咽下所有的痛楚

为什么那么的相信让我无穷无尽的心碎
那么的付出给我伤心欲绝悲痛滋味
那么的坦白无法阻止我脑海记忆
对你我不曾后悔
那么的在乎显得我到底有多狼狈
那么的伟大究竟把谁变的无家可归
那么的冷静无法停止我向前狂奔
因为我已无路可退

当我遍体为你被插满折磨的箭
请求你给我一箭穿心的干脆

为什么那么的相信让我无穷无尽的心碎
那么的付出给我伤心欲绝悲痛滋味
那么的坦白无法阻止我脑海记忆
对你我不曾后悔
那么的在乎显得我到底有多狼狈
那么的伟大究竟把谁变的无家可归
那么的冷静无法停止我向前狂奔
因为我无路可退

为什么那么的相信让我无穷无尽的心碎
那么的付出给我伤心欲绝悲痛滋味
那么的坦白无法阻止我脑海记忆
对我你可曾后悔
那么的在乎显得我到底有多狼狈
那么的伟大究竟把谁变的无家可归
那么的冷静无法停止我向前狂奔
因为我已无路可退

End of Semester Review

2007-12-14T11:03:00.000+08:00

It is beginning to seem as if blogging is going to be a quarterly to a half-yearly affair for me and that it is a luxury to blog, given the little amount of free time I have during normal semesters amd if recent trends are anything to go by. The workload in university seems to be doubling with every yearly progression, which is duly accompanied by the ever-increasing stress levels derived from the desperate attempt to maintain, or increase if at all possible, the all-significant CAP score. This became more of a priority now after the decision to major in Sociology, which makes it necessary to obtain honours for a better prospect.

This semester was also an important one as it was my first ever semester with THREE sociology major modules, and the grade will provide an accurate gauge of how good a sociologist I can be. One of my compulsory modules, social methods and research, did not turn out to be as bad as I had expected. The tutor, Jayeel, was friendly and taught wonderfully well, just like most of the sociology graduates, and I surprised even myself by getting A- and A for my qualitative and quantitative assignments respectively. Fingers crossed, hopefully this will guarantee me an overall final A grade. The only downs for this semester was the interesting but profound mass media and culture, which required a constant critical and conflictual view of power relations, and the boring computing module with its incomprehensible html codes and what-not. But I am just relieved that yet another semester is done and dusted with.

The wonders of sociology have enabled me to understand that it is the process that matters in life, and the end result does not matter so much, for learning and understanding comes from the process and not the final outcome. This newly adopted perspective of life has allowed me to look at life positively more than ever, and subsequently, take things with a pinch of salt. And I figured that part of the reason for attempting to blog is to remember and appreciate this life process. Now to rewind and recap the highs and lows of Year 2 Semester 1...

July
Finally ended the month long vacation job and eagerly awaiting to start the new semester. Witnessed for myself firsthand that while some people can be quite nice at work, my once mythical perception of "rogue colleagues" and "evil bosses" are in fact very real. In fact, this job stint was an eye-opener, having witnessed for myself how some people can be a total control freak, even for us temps. But all unhappy memories and terrible experiences were immediately forgotten when I received my payslip. I guess this is the only reward for labour.
Intended to take some modules with a cute girl W, especially since she is also a sociology major and according to her, "we'll be sociology mates for a looong time!". And I got my wish too, having arranged two modules that had her "exclusive" company, or so I thought. Though one of the modules was not exactly my cup of tea, I decided to take it anyway, with W playing an influential part in my decision making. Whether will it turn out to be disastrous or not, we'll see on the 26th of December.

August
Began to regret my looking forward to school once lectures and tutorials got started. The days seem to get longer you gain in seniority, or it may be just due to my decreasing stamina for staying focused during lessons. Every modules were acceptable but I was daunted by the extremely heavy workload this semester after putting into consideration every module. Computing was the most ridiculous GEM, with two group projects and an individual project, hardly worth the precious 400 points I invested, or rather wasted, in it.
Dealt with another disappointment when it turned out that W actually had friend(s) who had already planned for the same modules with her, and one of the closer ones was a nerdy fella who looked particularly irritating to me. And due to W's tendency for being habitually late and constant failure to reply to SMSes (or is it only to my SMSes), I ended up sitting through lectures alone as that irritating fella had kept a seat for her. "Learning process... learning process..." I kept repeating to myself.
Adding to the troubles in August was the woeful post-breakup period of Fabius and Jessica. It is real funny how love between two people can turn to such a deep hatred within an instant. How unreliable and unstable love can be... He wants to avoid her, she wants to avoid him, she remembers him everytime she sees me (for reasons I don't know why), she blocks me on MSN, he keeps complaining to me and asking me how and what to do, I get different stories from him, his friends, even her friends...blah..blah..blah. Just a whole load of bull crap and nonsense. The learning process is over damnit... move on. Well, but all in all, August was great. Really.

September
This was the month where it got really draining. Started my first individual qualitative research for sociology, and I selected a topic which would have a pretty high relevance to my future - single chinese males approaching their 40's and their coping mechanisms. If there was a need for sociological research to benefit public good, I figured I needed to start on an individual level, and this would most probably be my life path, regardless of how I look at my current state. Indeed, I have learnt plenty from my two study subjects. What impressed me the most was their optimism and positivity about life despite leading a non-conformist lifestyle that is conflicting with messages from the media, government and their culture and tradition. Well, it seems to help if your parents are a little more liberal and accepting towards your life choice. I hope mine are. Besides being able to research my topic of interest, I am able to obtain a good grade for it as well, and that is one big plus point of doing sociology for me.
Every other modules too were moving at a faster pace in this month. The first computing group project was just alright, though I learnt that there is always bound to be unequal task allocation in a group, with some people being able to slack, do the minimal, and able to get away with it. Little did I knew that this form of "institutionalised" slacking will grow in scale for the next computing group project.
September was also a month when emotions got a little mashed up and confused along with the blurring of lines between friendship and relationship. It could be due to the failure on my part to identify and be decisive of my own feelings (perhaps due to the busy month), and it took a short while for the proper sorting to be done before things could move on. It started when an amorous feeling of attachment to Y was unconsciously planted in me, a closer-than-average female friend of mine. So as it was, with me and my thoughts running wild, news filtered through that she got attached to some foreign worker brought me back down to earth with a loud 'thud'. Add that to my well accumulated experience of having crushes, infatuations, rejections, failed endeavours, attached targets, having my first (and probably last) girlfriend, break-up and having a girl I like snatched away by my good friend, and it all makes for impressive reading. I am even impressed myself at how much shit can hit the fan. Oh well, I have gotten through that anyway, with lots of self-psychoing and talks with S, Y's close friend. It never occurred to me that S could reveal a thing or two to Y, since girls share almost everything with each other. I distinctly remembered warning S not to tell anybody though... and I believe in her ability to keep my secret... oh my dear. Sometimes, you do need to be gullible to move on in life... sigh. 　しかたがありません。。。

October
The dynamics of a group of individuals coming together to create an acceptable piece of work for submission never ceases to amaze. I thought I had seen it all for my gender studies group project when a proposed group meeting failed to materialise, thanks to the arrangement (or mis-arrangement) of W, that cute girl. Originally, I was over the moon when the tutor arranged for us to be in the same group. Later on, her impromptu creativity and tardiness created a few problems for the group, though her creativity earned us an A in the end, but it took a hell lot of effort for our paper. And it sure did not help having a year 1 student in our group. It is similar to having a player red-carded from your own team when you are in an important football match. Apart from impressing me for a pre-submission presentation of our paper draft with her wonderful visual design template, her contribution was practically nil, particularly for the final paper which was the one that actually mattered. Unfortunately, this was the only group project that had a peer evaluation, unlike for the computing group project, which was the one that really pissed me off and changed my entire opinion of a particular friend.
For the second project, I was assigned by the group to work WITH another friend and we were supposed to do a small research and presentation of our results TOGETHER. But somehow I ended doing everything all by myself. Apparently, something went wrong somewhere but I just can't put my finger on it. I remember that somebody was supposed to share the workload with me but who is it... Well, somehow the ridiculous reason of "If you did the research, you present la!" stood and the guy who did absolutely nothing will get the same amount of credit as those who did work. Picking out the positives, there is something to be learnt here, and it is to try to not take the same module with this friend ever again. XY was right after all...
October was also the month for my quantitative research, and it was a comparatively easier one as data from SPSS was used. That saves a huge amount of work, leaving only the analysis and literature review to be done. In a bid to make some sense out of my life, I decided on hypothesizing that the more education an individual receives, the less likely he is to feel that life is dull. And to see if marriage is worth all the trouble, my control variable was whether the individual in question is married or not. Well, as it appears, education does improve the life condition of an individual after all, so I guess what I am doing now will be worthwhile, but it is a weak relationship. Seems like the modern man wants something more out of life - the insatiability of the contemporary man. Marriage does not enhances an individual's life too, which could explain the breakdown of marriage as an institution today. The search for the meaning of life continues...
My perception of Al-Jazeera took a turn for the better too. After learning about the multi-perspectivity of matters and how the perspective of the underdog must be valued, I watched a documentary about Al-Jazeera and felt glad, yet cheated. Glad in knowing how certain people are willing to go that extra mile and risk their lives in search for the truth and they are trying to reach out to the masses in a bid to challenge the mainstream media. And cheated as to how I was tricked all these years into believing that Singapore was the best in this and that, in rankings that did not mean a thing. Straits Times and the local papers are all just the lapdogs of the dominant government, carrying meaningless news reports and self-congratulatory articles. Though I got a sneaky feeling that I might not do well for this mass media and culture module, what I have learnt and benefitted from it is priceless.

November
Bernard, please remember this date for the rest of your life! (Even though it may not matter anymore in the future.) The special date - Friday, 2nd November. Time - about 1330hrs & 1915hrs. A particular girl caught my eye while on board 151 on the way to school. Somehow I have the familiar feeling of having seen her somewhere before. She last alighted at SRC to switch to the NUS shuttle service. My day went on as usual and surprisingly (and happily) she appeared again before my japanese language lecture, talking to Xy and Serene! They know each other! There is a god after all. Well, that girl is Peishan, who is a not-so-close-because-of-certain-misunderstanding friend of Xy. For some inexplicable reason (because she is different from my typical ideal girl), she swept me off my feet. But as I write this entry in December, I can safely say that the chances of me getting to know her better are as slim as Singapore's chances of qualifying from their World Cup Qualifying Group with Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan and Lebanon. All I can do now is to cross my fingers and hope for the best, just like what Raddy Avramovic would do.
November marked the end of lessons and the start of serious studying and revising. My path towards revision was filled with obstacles, catching a slight flu during the beginning of reading week. Having the World Pool Championships on during this period of time is another form of distraction for me. I struggled to get started and eventually got going. For this round of revision, I must say that my studying stamina has greatly decreased, as I had to take frequent breaks after about half an hour or so in order for me to refresh myself and gather my thoughts. Hopefully, I will still have enough left in my tank before I can finally click the "File for Graduation" button.
I would like to think that I should have moved on pretty well from Y-gate, trying to bring normalcy back into . Certain matters can get too complicated than we had originally expected them to be. But one thing I can be sure of is that all the happy, joyous, sad and depressing experiences I gathered in my impressive 'resume' just confirms that I would very much like things to remain the way they are, and a single life suits me just fine. Nothing so far can change my mind, not even when Jayeel questioned me for my somewhat peculiar life choice when he knew about it back in September. My time here on earth is limited, and being happy and satisfied is the way I want to spend this time of mine.
It has been about a year since the perpetrator cruelly snatched H away from me. Maybe the rage inside me died, maybe I felt enough was enough, maybe it was just fate or maybe I just missed my ps2, but somehow this month became the reconciliation month. It is about time too, with Christmas just around the corner, and like how my religion teaches "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sinned against us." So I guess everything is gradually falling back in shape as they were at the beginning.

December
6th December was to be a very special day for me. For two reasons, firstly, it was the last day of my exams and my semester, and secondly, I get a chance of catching Peishan in school as it was also her last paper, albeit a slim one given the huge number of exam candidates clustered together at SRC. Well, the exams did come to an end and the slim chance of me meeting Peishan failed terribly. Nothing much I can do about it though... *shrug.
My super efficient job agent found me a temporary one month job straight after my exams and I took it without hesitation. Why would anybody turn down a money making opportunity? But that would mean, 1) lesser time for me to take a good break and 2) not being able to join my family for a short trip. On the other hand, it also meant that, 1) I get to increase my bank account and pay for my radiofrequency and 2) I get to drive the new car around for a week! Sounds pretty good to me. Being left alone during the Christmas period may not be that bad after all. Besides, I should have learnt to cope with loneliness during festive periods pretty well now, given my years of experience. That should not be a problem for me.
I also got to meet up with my old colleagues from ETP while working too! Although it has been only about 4 or 5 months, things seem to have changed so much and it felt like a long time. But it was absolutely great to be able to see Zi Yen, Kenneth, Kelvin and company again.

And that brings me to this current point in time. That was the past 5 months summed up in quite a number of words, some words which could inevitably cause repercussions in my life, but it was of my own will and a great necessity to record them down for these are my emotions, my feelings, my memories and my life. There is no point in employing self-censorship for my own blog, for Serene's blog had taught me to blog every detail of life if possible, and I can also be rest assured that almost nobody mentioned will be actually reading this long entry as this blog has become like a wasteland. But for me, it is a treasure chest of memories and my personal record of emotions. Hopefully, there will be more to come.

Blog...

2007-06-30T23:52:00.000+08:00

A song about a blog, on my blog... Extremely meaningful and melancholic, reflects reality clearly, love it.

部落格到底是什么？它真正的意义何在？是让人们倾诉的好友，随传随到？还是让人们写出自己不可告人的秘密的工具？或者似一本日记一样，让繁忙的都市人记载自己的心声，辛酸与快乐，以防忙碌的生活使人们把所有美好的回忆给遗忘了？

因为拥有回忆，才会有今天的我们; 因为了解自己的回忆，才会明白生活的点点滴滴; 因为珍惜所有的美丽回忆，才会慢慢而成长。部落格就是让我们储存回忆的宝库，无论好或坏，都值得纪念。

写部落格的人，是否隐藏着内心的无助，现实生活的孤独？被残酷的遗忘，难道答案真的存在网络里，在部落格上？

美只剩过往云烟
时间到转那页
我才了解爱的美丽诗篇

说爱走到了极限
我想google爱情
有没有答案在网络里面

在我的指尖敲打着键盘
无声的却爱的深刻
或许在爱的部落格
储存着思念

就这样我颓废
夜无法入睡
用沉默把自己灌醉
街灯它洒白了房间
夜色弥漫孤单气味

爱无畏只是给不给
你了解装做无所谓
时空隔开爱的真伪
相拥的棉被
只剩下爱情的余味

部落格 - 黄义达

Positively Negative vs Negatively Positive

2007-06-27T14:57:00.000+08:00

It has been brought to my attention that this particular blog has been a tad too dark and depressing for some. To me, instead of describing it as depressing, it is an outlet where I can let off some steam in a bid to save my sanity and express my vindictive self, for I personally believe that a crime of heinous proportions had been committed against me and a huge amount of unfairness have been dealt to me. It is as similar to a horrendously bad decision made where you get relegated just because of some shady dealings of other clubs... in addition to the FA siding with that perpetrator of a football club and handing them only a fine. Hmm... What would Ken McCabe do? Pretty much the same here I guess, except maybe a little more whiney. As it is, I totally understand how Sheffield United felt.

Well to begin with, lets look at this negative criticism in a positive light, it actually shows that a) contrary to my beliefs, this blog still has readership, b) these people actually care about its contents. This could be attributed to a difference in opinions, thinking or simply just the way we are sociologically brought up and integrated into society. Anyway, like they always say, it is variety among people that makes society interesting as a whole. Suffice to say, I am not about to give this humble blog a drastic facelift by adding smiley emoticons and flowers everwhere, making it all gay and cheery, but just a slight change in its direction will do.

So, as it is, I shall start on the positives of life. I guess the reason why the entries may seem depressing to some could be because of the nature of the entries’ content, which has been roughly about many, many undeniable facts of life, or rather my life, as I have began to grasp. And as I have discovered, these are dark cruel truths of life. In life’s path, there are bound to be certain paths that are not meant for us to take, and I have learnt to appreciate the process of understanding, giving up and acceptance of reality. It has been said that just as God closes a path for you, another better path will definitely open up. And instead of emphasizing on the "why", I have learnt to enjoy the beauty of it and appreciate the surrounding scenery on this new journey. Just go along with destiny and the path will seem much easier.

And therefore comes the need for a channel to release some steam and pent-up frustration occasionally, which of course majority would be negative, in order to cherish and treasure the positives that come about, sort of like the side effects of withdrawal symptoms. Constantly having to give up and readapting our socio-psycho selves to fit our environment can be a arduous chore. As if Murphy's Law has chosen to establish itself in my reality, the wrong just keeps multiplying itself; the arduous chore just becomes herculean when you are constantly reminded visually every now and then of something you wish you could just forget totally.

In a way similar to yin and yang, a delicate balance exists between the positives and negatives in life. Without sadness, we would not know what happiness is about; without hate, we would not know love; without betrayal, we would not understand trust; and without knowing wrong, we would not know how to define what is right, vice versa. And in order for me to move on, it is a preference of mine to retain those memories that have been deeply embedded in my mind, and to enhance its value and beauty with the accompaniment of good music and wonderful lyrics. Whenever a wonderfully composed and written song touches me, a certain part of my memory closely associated with that song would instinctively jump out of my mind and that song would be ingrained together with that piece of memory, etched somewhere in my mind, hence the reason for those song-cum-lyrics entries. Just a melancholic way to beautify the memories, no matter how sad they may be.

However, this does not mean that I do not notice the positive and wonderful things that happen in life everyday. I am constantly reminded of them everyday, even as I write my blog here. Having the ability to move freely; to feel, think, smell, taste; to study and understand humans and behaviour through sociology; to have the accompaniment of my few close friends; to have the honour of having true friends who are concerned and their criticism, acting like a wake-up call for me; to drive around when I get the chance to; to hit a good forehand tennis stroke and hearing a satisfying crisp sound of the tennis racket hitting the ball; attending mass and understanding the sermon; lastly, to wake up every morning.

Well, to the uninformed, it is totally understandable that certain opinions may be formed without a clear knowledge of the context and nature upon reading my entries, though Fabius got it absolutely correct when he guessed whose ass I wanted to kick so badly (I guess it was idiot-proof). But thanks to Xy for bringing my attention to this ‘problem’, branding my blog a depressing space and to Serene who actually thought I sounded “despo” (?!?) seemed to have done the trick for me to clear the final hurdle. After all, what I went through was indeed a very disappointing, traumatizing, repulsive and scandalous affair, and I would not wish it upon anybody else. As appalling and disgusting it may be, I tried to make the best out of it and withdrew myself from the situation in a graceful manner, for I wanted to retain the best part of those memories. It may have taken quite some time, but I think I have managed to do it. Life is pretty short, try to make it beautiful.

Well, remaining positive in the face of negative circumstances and seeking the positives out of negative comments - that is truly being courageous when adversity comes knocking on your door and drawing out the positives in life.

In The Rain

2007-06-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

遇见了你，我以为这就是幸福的起点。相反的，我却陷入谷底，到了心灰意冷的终点。这段回忆，漫长的等待，让我受尽了刺骨的寒冷，残酷的心碎，似在狂风暴雨之中。。。而到了最后，我一无有，只有泪与雨水淋湿的脸，却只看到你和他，踏上了幸福，那雨后的彩虹。。。我无能为力。我人还在淋雨中，等待着未知的未来，仍试着尝试找出你爱上他的理由。也许，装傻也是一种幸福吧。

淋雨中

风吹乱的头发
在我眼前挣扎
把想你剪成几段
沙沙的彷徨

雨有一点急躁
在我脸上涂鸦
把心情画得乱七八糟
滴答滴答响

我手上没有伞
分手的信有一张
我没有哭是雨水渗透
写你爱他那一行

我在淋雨中
看你步上彩虹
我分不了轻重
你幸福我该否祝福
我在淋雨中
背着你走不动
我还有一个梦
被雨水带离我的天空

我的笑容会很酷
若和你们巧碰
放心我会收起我的痛

停雨之后我不会再哭。。。

Truths of Life

2007-06-08T17:31:00.000+08:00

The exams are finally over. By that, I also mean that the results are out and everything has been done and dusted; normality, peace and tranquility resumes. This also marks the end of my first year in NUS. Life in university has not been tremendously overwhelming nor absolutely monotonous, falling just somewhere in between. But the workload was anything but light, unlike the popular belief, or so I've been told, which goes "First year? Nothing much la!..." As usual, the period before the exams is a frantic time for mugging, catching up on readings, summarising notes etc.

For me, it was pretty much the same routine, retreating back into my room, reading and flipping through piles of notes blah blah...bleah, with my trusty radio accompanying me through the lonely nights. I also provided myself an added incentive to do even better this semester, in order to "avenge" the big injustice done towards me early this semester (or before the semester even began, depending on when the betrayal actually happened). In my words, I vowed to 'kick-ass' in the exams, a way to get back and take my revenge at the shameless perpetrator.

Well, what a way to do it as the results showed, I certainly delivered my promises and kicked some ass with a brilliant CAP score of 4.1 that far exceeded my target (though I would have preferred to take physical revenge by kicking the ass of a particular shameless individual). That certainly made my birthday all the more merrier as I progressed into my twenty-second year of existence. I would like to convey my appreciation to all kind-hearted souls who bothered to remind me of this special day. Having started to learn to play tennis (thanks to Weili who helped me pick up the sport), I got myself a tennis racket as a present. Hopefully, I'll be smashing forehands and hitting volleys like Rafael Nadal in the near future. Also, thanks for the present from my lil' sis and the movie-cum-prata treat from my great army buddies, Lionel and Jackson.

But it was not until last weekend that I received the best present of all, and it came from the man himself, GOD. Well, not directly from Him but actually from a homily my church priest delivered over the weekend during mass. It definitely provided me some enlightenment and useful insight into the mystery of life. He touched on the topic of the truths of life, beginning with the million-dollar question "What exactly are the truths in life?" Initially I had my doubts, for I did not believe any mortal could have an answer to that question. Its like the big guy up there decided, "Hey, that's for me to know and for you all to find out..." But, the priest did mention that these answers he gathered were merely "glimpses" of the truths, not the whole truth. At that point in time, I guess it was worth listening to... after all it was coming from a servant of God and I figured I could do with knowing some precious truths of this highly complex and unpredictable thing called life. Sensing that one of life's greatest mysteries was about to unveil, I discarded all distracting thoughts and paid full attention. So here they are...

Truths of life

Life is difficult.

No pain, no gain.

The past is only history, be obsessed with the future as it is a mystery.

These three truths may sound pretty cliche to many, but somehow, it made me look at life from a whole new perspective after listening to the entire homily. Life has never been the same for me after that traumatising "Perpetrator-HiJack-gate" incident and it made me realised life's total unpredictability, redefining the term "possession" for me. After all, aren't possessions merely a symbollical representation of material ownership? And, for all the hype surrounding love, isn't love basically mere ownership of a particular human form? Having somebody's company, feeling of acceptance and a sense of security.

Why can't humans just rise beyond this hierachy of needs and achieve the ultimate gratification level of self-actualization? Is what I want really what I need? A thin line separates wants and needs and often, life only gives you what you want; provided you deserve it, but not what you need, as human needs are insatiable. I have learnt to take what life offers, for you have to go with the flow, or drown amidst life's raging currents.

And, looking back at God's "birthday present" for me, everything I have reflected on and thought about fits in the picture nicely. Yes, life is not a bed of roses and life's path can be arduous and perplexing. There are difficult times when circumstances forces you to adjust and adapt, and adjust and adapt you shall for it is the order of survival, even if it means painfully giving up the pursuit of something / someone as fate would not have it. And the gain? The feeling of a clear and enlightened mind, thoughts seemingly straightened out and the ability to focus on what really matters in life. To move on, even when it really seems an uphill task, be interested in the future for that is where you will eventually end up. There are times yet when the "soft" side of me undermines my newly-found doggedness, but I am in the process of shaking it off...

If only I can just ignore the going-ons of liaison (read: pair of shoes) in the adjacent residence. Happy Birthday...

我的完整演出

2007-04-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

每天，我们在城市里的角落到处飘荡，每个人拥有了自己的角色。像舞台似的，所有的角色应配合得天衣无缝，秀出一场完整演出。但往往在完整演出的背后，有谁能了解某个小角色的辛酸和痛楚？为了配合生活剧情而不得以牺牲了自己，残酷的命运让他遭受了不公平对待。。。

我的角色又是什么呢？默默的忍受，坚强地接受，残酷的现实。为了完整演出而背叛了自己，让活生生的演出继续下去。一次的错误，回不去的路，孤单落幕。谁也不在乎，我凭什么能去在乎呢？

到了曲终人散，夜深人静的时刻，才发现一切沉默了，快乐暂停了。望着一片灰暗，生命的一切再也看不清，心已经恢，清已经灭，我已精疲力尽。不过，像一把烧不完的火，生命总会继续。。。而失控的情绪和无解的命运，是否可以陪我一起去等待奇迹？
生命的尽头在何处？

完整演出

沉默也是一种罪
爱上了堕落的感觉
亲手把自己毁灭
快乐就停在这黑夜

沉默原来也是一种罪
爱上了这堕落的感觉
亲手让自己去被毁灭
快乐就停在这黑夜

完整演出，痛苦结束
一生的错误
走上绝路，孤单落幕
其实我一点也不在乎
我演出
痛苦结束，一生的错误
走上绝路，孤单的落幕
失控的情绪，无解的命运是否可以陪我一起去等待奇迹
灰色的天空不安的眼睛，现在什么再也看不清
失去了分寸，出卖的灵魂
试着天真
勇敢的承认把我自己变得更完整

我已经精疲力尽
隐约有种距离逼近
完整演出，换痛苦结束
走上绝路
我一点也不在乎会孤单落幕。。。

词:柯有伦曲:黄义达

Return of the Foolish Fool

2007-03-31T21:09:00.000+08:00

Boy, how time flies. The last time that I actually touched this blog was nearly two months ago! Guess I failed to fulfill my promise of "soon" with regards to those photos... bleah. You know it has been too long when two attempts to log-in are necessary for the system to recognize you and your own blog's design looks new to you. Well, this period of enforced absence definitely has it reasons, being required to hand in 5 studies and essays in two months is surely a valid reason. So, before the wonderful month of March comes to an end, I felt obliged (and I also found some free time, finally) to blog this certain period in case my memory fails to capture it, not that there is anything memorable to begin with... but, oh well... After all, the CNM lessons did say that blogs are important for an individual's growth and well-being, at the end of the day, when you look back at those entries that you have written which cannot be erased away completely, they mark a progression of your growth. Just like how "unforgettable" some people and events can be, especially when something so traumatising has been inflicted.
It is amazing that how certain people has the perception that either 1) they are invisible to the naked eye or 2) I have been living in a cave all this while. Well, if you got the guts to do it, at least have the decency to own up and come clean with it. But, I did promise myself not to harp over this unfortunate incident again, just needed to get these "irritants" off my chest.
Another factor that indirectly brought my attention to this blog again was Serene, who reminded me about the existence of blogs through hers. Having forged a closer friendship with this cheerful girl, I have also introduced her into this world of mine (and some pretty nonsensical writing as well). She had the misfortune to accompany me through a bad patch as my friendship with Xue encountered some difficulties, which was caused by some insensitive comments and childish remarks, and almost left it in ruins. Serene played the part of the mediator, and somehow helped to soothe the highly frustrated and awkward Xue. Hopefully everything is back to normal now and the bond of friendship may be strengthened by this unpleasant incident.
On a happier note, Singapore did beat Thailand in the ASEAN championship and was crowned Asean Champions. It had never made me so proud to don the national team jersey, bought with my own money (it actually costs 70 bucks). It was also Aly's birthday present too, an idea that Fabius came up with. Fortunately for us, Aly was extremely pleased and delighted with the jersey.
March was also a busy month as I was recruited as a helper in Foodhunt and heavily involved in the annual Futsal Open @ The Cage. Helping and planning these events was indeed exhausting, but the fun and satisfaction upon completing the events were just rewards for our efforts. It opened my eyes to the world of women's football too, and to be honest, looked extermely impressive, especially the champions of the women's category. Closer friendship bonds were forged among our team members too and it was pretty memorable, thanks to my fantastic "boss" Kenneth and to Serene as well, who was the head of Foodhunt. Also, without participating in these two events, I would not have the chance to befriend a medic (cute and hot girl). Good news, she is a sociology major (which I would most probably be too) but bad news, the same old story (attached).
This is the story so far as I come to the eve of April's Fool. Nothing major, nothing happening, nothing memorable, nothing very good has happened. Will everything change and just turn out to be a big sadistic trick tomorrow? I certainly hope so, but to believe in that kind of rubbish will just certify that I am indeed a fool come 1st April.

Socialization Woes

2007-01-31T01:24:00.000+08:00

I never thought that my perception of life could be changed after watching the movie "Click". As I watched the credits roll on the screen, instead of remembering Adam Sandler and his comical antics, what filled my mind was a reflective thought that I should cherish life and live fully, as every experience is worth the time and effort. It seems the start to the new year has been pretty rough for all Geminis concerned as Jackson, a friend of mine, had failed in his quest for romance and had to take a long time to nurse his heartbreak. It seems that the girls involved in his and my story just could not appreciate both our efforts and presence, ignored us and to rub salt in our wounds, they conveniently got attached. Anyway, together with Lionel and me, three of us old army buddies gathered for a little pep talk and encouragement session last week at Novena Square. Hopefully, by the time I post this, Jackson will be feeling much better than he did the last time we met up.
Well, another Gemini I know belonged to an entirely different league. He could not have asked for a better start to the new year. 29th January 2007 is the special day, for my best buddy Fabius has found himself a girlfriend! It was truly memorable for I witnessed the entire process and followed the highs and lows of their "drama", fortunate enough to catch the final episode and its happy fairytale ending. Though it also meant that my close friends around me are no longer single and I may be neglected now and then, I felt happy for him. Of course, I had also learnt another valuable lesson in the process, as the never-ending quest for socialization and re-socialization continues.
By comparing the above "fairytale" with the previous bittersweet experience that I had recently, I came to a conclusion that what happened was partly my fault and I deserve every bit of the disastrous consequences that was brought along with it. For I simply chose not to heed the warning signs when they were so ominous - when the "safe" distance between two people has disappeared, the incessant placing of his hand behind her back even though it is totally unnecessary, the frequent exchanges of whispers etc. Everything seems like deja vu to me, except this time, I took the role of the observer instead of a participant. After the recent happenings, I can say that I have came out worser, but nonetheless, wiser.
I guess this has to be my new approach to life now, bearing in mind the fact that events in life are pretty dynamic and we as the "actors", have to constantly resocialize ourselves in order to survive and keep ourselves self-sufficient mentally and emotionally. To make things better, Singapore had better win Thailand in the first leg for a start... That would certainly put a smile on my face, at least for the time being.

(Thanks Felicia, for teaching me how to post pictures. I promise the Europe photos will be up asap...)

A Wish By The Lonely

2007-01-27T15:43:00.000+08:00

淡水河边
词曲:戴佩妮

淡水的河边
还没吃完的餐点
热闹的烟火还没上演
飘流中的船
往返了多少遍
回忆的帆却停在那一年

熟悉的冬夜
独自呆坐在岸边
听熙来攘往的笑声蔓延
有些情绪呀
我不想遮掩
有一些人
我不想遇见

我很狼狈的将我的脸偷偷收起了
我很浪费的将你的好通通放开了
我很惭愧的将你的手交给他了
我怀疑我能做什么
当我颓废的难过着
我很狼狈的将我的眼紧紧闭上了
我很浪费的将你的话通通忘记了
我很惭愧的将你未来让给他了
你能够为我做什么为我快乐
因为我值得
为我快乐

Maybe meeting you was a mistake... maybe. Maybe falling in love with you was my fault... maybe. Why should I give you up when my heart does not wish to? Why do I hide my face beneath a veil of guilt? Why do I erase everything about you from my memory now? Struggling to overcome my shame as I grant you happiness in your new life with him... For me... I close my eyes to escape, discard memories of your words from my heart, wishing the best for you. Just be happy... for me.

What's Broken Can Never Be Fixed

2007-01-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

Maybe it is true after all, that life is full of experiences and you've got to expect the unexpected. Hopefully, these experiences will make you grow wiser as a person. Well, it wouldn't be much fun if life was predictable and perfect all the time. Just when I least expected it, a new lesson awaited for me at the beginning of 2007. I could only watch on helplessly as a former "distinguished passenger of mine" decided to switch vehicles permanently. Simply put, not only were my feelings for this girl went unreciprocated, she is now attached to a friend of mine. The perpetrator stood his ground and won the war. Initially, I refused to believe my eyes but a second confirmation with another friend washed all doubt away. As far as I know, it is the end of the road for me.
Fortunately (or unforunately), I knew my hopes were pretty slim and I decided to make October 28th my final date, albeit a memorable one. But, regardless of how prepared I was, I had forgotten the fact that I'm human after all. Emotions got the better of me I had to take time off to fix myself. At that time, the new semester had just began and I could not let this affect my life. This explains the long absence in my blogging. For now, as I'm writing this blog entry, I would like to believe that I have "self-healed" enough, though not completely, as I attempt to move on. I will take it as another valuable lesson learnt in the game of life...
Well, I have embarked on a new semester, looking forward to bring my cap to new heights and enjoying all the five modules I successfully bidded for, especially Japanese! At least God has been kind enough to spare me from those bidding blues. Hopefully, I will be able to decide wisely on my major after this semester. It is the last semester before declaration after all. I also finally bought the Man Utd away kit after much consideration. It looks wonderful, of course with "Scholes" printed at the back.
I was at the National Stadium three times last week to witness our national side progress through the ASEAN cup group stage with two other close friends, Aly and Fabius. The three of us went for an unbelievable roller-coaster ride, enduring a frustrating goaless draw with Vietnam, enjoying an emphatic 11-0 thumping of Laos and a final nail-biting 2-2 draw with Indonesia in which the referee was totally rubbish. The National Stadium looks like it is a century old and hopefully this is truely the last time it is being used. We now face off with our neighbours Malaysia whom I believe we will have no problems beating.
Tutorials to start next week and the semester will go full swing from then on. A long and winding 'drama' has finally concluded, and I have came out the worst. It is definitely time to move on and continue with life.

My favourite song now to heal my soul...
单身潜逃词曲:戴佩妮

我没有你想像中那么坚强
我只是擅长用微笑去伪装,不是吗
我没有你形容的那么勇敢
我偶尔也会慌
我也和你一样曾经年少轻狂
受了一点伤
我们都是一样
相信永远不远但坚持却有点难

就让记忆中的爱慢慢烧
烧痛了我们就逃
带着现实的铐
摺叠我剩余的微笑
通往没有你的轨道
就让记忆中的你慢慢老
老去了谁也得不到
带着我的祈祷
摺叠我累积的问号
开始一次的单身潜逃

Memoirs of Europe

2007-01-18T10:22:00.000+08:00

The exams officially ended on 5th December. I initially planned to do a blog entry right after that but an "enforced" trip to Europe resulted in a change of plans. Honestly, how I wished the exams would never end. It was exhausting nonetheless, but it kept my mind preoccupied with an objective and for the entire month of November, random and unnecessary thoughts were driven out of my messy mind. At least I've recovered slightly after that turmulous period of studying and revising. I thought I'd sorted myself out but deep down, I knew all was not well. Therefore, I decided to look at this trip to Europe as a breather from all that has gone wrong in life. Armed with my book of big philosophical questions, I embarked on my journey.
The first eye-opener for me was the realization that Qatar has quite a decent national airline, though the name still puts me off. I had the chance to catch up on many old movies onboard that I missed out during exams. The whole tour was a mad rush, 6 cities in 11 days! Taking in sight after sight from Frankfurt to Amsterdam to Paris... It didn't help my mind. There were days when the cold was frightening but it provided a refreshing sensation everytime a gust of cold wind greeted my face. It is as if I'm "cleansed" of all my troubles.
According to Murphy's law, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. Well, Bernard has something to add to that law : Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. If you ever doubt its validity, it WILL still prove you wrong in the end. Lessons are there to be learnt. Picking up the pieces from my previous lesson and "escaping" to Europe, it seems that there's this little bit of stubborness in me that I cannot detach myself from. And guess what, it did prove me wrong again. At least the damage is controlled this time round as I am learning to take a philosophical view of everything that is going on (or going wrong in my case). Time and time again, I keep getting egg on my face and making a fool out of myself. As I pen my thoughts and dejection here, it is really time for me to wake up and smell the coffee, to move out of my own transit in life. It hurts so bad.

Europe
Day 1 & 2 : Frankfurt & Cologne - Landed in Frankfurt late at night. Visited the streets of Cologne and a wonderful church. Found out that 1.FC Koln is actually in Cologne.
Day 3 & 4 : Amsterdam - Terribly cold city. There's a quaint little fishing village up north with wonderful fish and chips. Houses neatly lined up along the narrow streets of Amsterdam and there's also a huge red-light district with "eye-catching" display windows!
Day 5 & 6 : Brussels & Brugge - Another cold city. Had a wonderful lunch and scenic tour in Brussels and bought plenty of chocolates. Proceeded to Brugge and saw many shops selling Club Brugge jerseys but not very cheap though.
Day 7 & 8: Paris - Began to get sick and tired of bread. Had the chance to climb up the Eiffel Tower and enter another beautiful church. Visited many monuments and famous statues in the city and stepped into the Louvre museum.
Day 9 : Freiburg - Back in Germany. Tasted delicious cakes and ice wine in the black forest region.
Day 10: Luzenn - Went up Mount Titlis in Switzerland and it was extremely beautiful up there, not to mention freezing cold as well. Found out that Switzerland has good late night television... haha.
Day 11: Milan - City was older and dirtier than expected. Every inch of wall was not spared from colourful graffiti. But it was the warmest city so far and it was much more comfortable here. Looking forward to home.

I finally arrived in Singapore on the 21st of December. It was back to work and plenty of adjustments after that and to cope with the loneliness of spending yet another festive season by myself. Nonetheless, I was grateful for my part-time job for distracting me and keeping me occupied. Reality did not spare me though as it dealt me another cruel blow. Thankfully it decided not to mess with my first semester results as I managed to achieve a decent cap score of 3.4. But, this huge discovery could turn out to be the final blow that smashes every bit of my broken heart...

Choosing Not To...

2006-11-16T09:33:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Sometimes I wish my parents would just be quiet and not share everything they see. It just worsens my state of mind and pains my heart, being able to know so much yet there's absolutely nothing I can do about it but to take a bystander's role. Ignorance IS bliss. Yet, the sadist in me yearns for such news, for it is only through word that I am able to be near you. It is a real pity, for I know that you're within my midst but the sensibility within me knows better than to give in to temptation to see you. Everytime that you await, everytime that you're afraid of "it"... Mixed emotions fill my heart.
Maybe time is the best antidote. The agony of missing out and losing the chance to be with you will ease gradually. Breaking away from this complex realm, I seek solace in the world of music, find comfort in beautiful words and lyrics. Losing you has made me cherish other little things in life which I have neglected while being blinded by infatuation. Choosing not to love and walking away will make me a more mature person. I chanced upon these wonderful words while surfing on 百度 website... my first chinese entry!

任何一种心情，都可以找一首歌来代替。听歌的人欣赏沿途的风景，却不忘感受耳机里的浪漫；听歌的人细数着昨日的失落，却也不忘重燃起背后的烟火；听歌的人观赏着别人的故事，却在音乐声中回味着自己的经历。一个没有影子的人生多少都会觉得孤单，虽然从未注意自己的影子，一个失去了音乐的人生多少都会觉得平淡，虽然从没有把音乐当成大于生命来看待。

爱，从来就是一件百转千回的事情，令人柔肠寸断。我爱她，却犹犹豫豫，踌躇不决。为我送朵花给她，为我写封信给她，为我陪她数星星……而我的心，愿为她成为最亮的星，送给她。想要陪在她身边永远照顾她，却隔着万水千山，无能为力。爱上她，才体会到思念的滋味、分离的愁苦，间或有情非得已的懦弱和无助。所以只能告诉他：我爱她。

朋友和恋人，也许只有一线之隔，但有时却举步维艰，无法跨越那道爱的界限。进一步，害怕打碎朋友间默契的感觉，退一步，却又不甘心无法触碰你的笑脸。有一种感觉，深埋在心底，无法承认，无法掩饰，无法接受却又无法拒绝。无能为力，我选择了逃避，决定不爱。

快阻止时间倒转，当我们再次遇见
这样的表情最适合隐瞒，我依然爱你很深
别再多看我一眼
别试探我真的感觉
我怕认不出又会重眷恋
你连背影都温柔

不爱就转身离开
一个人把回忆推翻
不爱 for the love 未来
你和我的信任我也不回来

不容许陷害前伴，误解了别离的悲
不可能送来这遗憾的爱，我们都真实对白

不爱就这么离开
一个人被寂寞煎伴
不爱只守着被爱
i love you forever
不能说出来

不爱就转身离开
一个人我学会忍耐
不爱去那找被爱
i love you forever
微笑着离开
i love you forever
就这样不爱

（陶喆-不爱专辑:太美丽）

A Lesson to be Learnt ; Bernd's Law

2006-11-13T13:03:00.000+08:00

I was aghast to learn of the "new and improved" tactics being undertaken by girls to reject advances of guys these days, mainly guys who reveal a hint of interest in them. It is quite disheartening to know that almost anybody and everybody (especially guys) can be susceptible to such shocking "ill-treatment". This came about after two female friends shared their experiences and one of them even went so far as to seek my assistance after persistent irritation from a guy. Coincidentally, both girls are named X and Y - X gave the impression of the more direct and in-your-face attitude whereas Y was the more discreet method. Hoping that I can probably learn something, I kept an open attitude and gave them a listening ear and my full co-operation.
Well, X gave me her extremely interesting version of her "misfortune". According to her, there was this guy who was and still is crazy about her since college, and has been madly showing his affection for her in many ways (repeated but unsuccessful attempts to ask her out, constant concern shown via sms, tons of gifts from his overseas stint while serving the country etc). So much effort (I could feel his sincerity) and all he gets is "I can only be friends with you."
On another occasion, just as I was about to leave the lecture theatre, Y tugged at my hand and whispered "Hey, if that guy there asks me to go somewhere after this, tell him I've got a project meeting with you k? Please..." It was a desperate plea for help, to escape the monster's clutches. Left without a choice, I agreed. Another cruel blow dealt to a poor guy's heart. Talking about cruel blows to the heart... I had unknowingly became a clear target in the process of carrying out my observations.
The "tactics" involved in my story was more subtle, requiring a keen eye for clues sprinkled here there and everywhere. Uninterested responses coupled with plenty of self-initiated conversations, lack of enthusiasm shown summed up with "evasive" action taken. Even Dad contributed his share after his careful and detailed observation of a particular second party (I demote myself to being the third party). Dad's reports were intelligently based on the traditional household gossip kind but being able to witness the scene first-hand added that little bit of reliability in it. I bet Dad had no idea that the impact of his "sightings" will have such a huge influence on me (having effectively diminishing the possibility of him carrying a grandchild in future... : ) but seriously). The writing is on the wall and the joke is on me. With the exams lurking around the corner, it is time for a clean break from such entanglements from such obvious clues thrown at my face. "On this day I see clearly; everything has come to light..."

Lessons learnt:
1. Don't trust anybody. (D.T.A quoting Jackie Chan from one of his movies) - especially when it comes to situations involving the opposite gender.
2. Try not to be the weakest link (in the web of relations). - i.e. the third link or beyond in a social relationship. Modern structures are hierarchical. A dyad is definitely intimate than a triad.
3. There is a reason why Friendster is on the net. - avoid creating a real life Friendster situation. More often than not, middleman gets the best bargains.
4. Hunt for your own food. - it is the survival of the fittest. Learn to depend on yourself and get everything (and I mean everything) done yourself. To each his own.
5. 近水楼台先得月(chinese proverb) - he who is closer to the apple tree gets all the apples.
6. Try to own a car, if not, beg, steal, share etc. - everything is possible with a vehicle. Plus, it attracts attention (especially members of the opposite gender).
7. Make the best out of every opportunity. - when a chance presents itself, grab it with both hands and legs if you have to. Bring her out, fetch her to wherever, do what you can, even if it is out of your limits. A handsome reward awaits.
8. A friend in need makes you a fool indeed. - derived from Jackie's motto from No. 1 lesson. Enuff said.

Turning and walking away isn't the easiest thing to do in the world. But, I will have to learn to that, as painful as it may be, for the pain amplifies with each passing moment that I dwell in such false hope. My self-fulfilling prophecy has came true indeed, proving that sociology is right yet again. October 28th was a dream come true, and it also marked an end to my pursuit. It was a day that shall be remembered forever as a sweet memory and an honour for me to have her as company to a wonderful event. Time to move on...

Good luck for my exams.

Could You Feel?

2006-11-04T19:03:00.000+08:00

The fallen leaves sets grief in my heart
Disillusioned, I'm crawling in the dark
Every word of truth hurts
Reality cruelly stabs my heart
Loneliness crept into my world
True feelings concealed and veiled
Resisting temptation to reveal
With each passing day anew
I became amorous of you

Will I ever have the chance with you?
Could you not leave my world...
Forbidden love hindered by interruptions
Ripping my scar-ridden heart

Are my feelings reciprocated?
Faithfully praying you'll be the one
Hoping someday you'd feel
The truth in my heart

I love you...
Someone so special yet
The possibility ever so bleak

Living my future in memories of you
Short but wonderful moments
I will cherish them...

THE 50TH POST : Test Results are Negative

2006-10-18T20:04:00.000+08:00

The past weekend has been filled with a barrage of activities that drained most of my energy away that left me pretty tired. There were assignment and project deadlines to be met, also not forgetting plenty of football action too! Nonetheless, it was a memorable one - finally hitting form during pre-match by hitting five goals but losing to a more experienced team on the actual pitch the following day. The important lesson was the experience gained through what was only my second full match, to my delight I actually lasted the full 90 minutes and came pretty close to scoring (I hit the post!). Frankly, I was just very glad to be playing footie again and returning to where I felt I belonged.
This is my 50th published post and hence I thought something decent should be posted, rather than a random song/poem or an outburst (which I had plenty of recently with varying situations in life). The weekend was also one which I felt the brunt of university assignments and project deadlines - I actually had the ability to complete a 1200 word sociology essay in TWO days! Not forgetting the Japanese studies project and New Media project and what-not. (This "what-not" craze began with my sociology lecturer who used it to refer to other examples that are not mentioned.) Hopefully, I can score well in my potential-choice-for-major subject - Sociology.
I was intrigued by something I read in the papers one evening, after the hectic weekend. It was part of the entertainment section under horoscope (for zodiac signs AND star signs, a comprehensive coverage). For the zodiac part, it adviced me to bear with everything that life may throw at me as things could get a little rough. Even if it becomes tough and unbearable, well just grit my teeth, bear with it and I'll pull through safely. The first thought that came to my mind, "That's rrriiiight! How accurate..." given the amount of work adding on to my burdens.
The workload aside, my emotional adventure had also seem to reach a dead end. I had reached a point where I felt nothing could be done and the pig of a perpetrator had achieved much more than I did. Kudos to him, what ever he did, he did it right. Maybe I should heed these signs that NOTHING can turn out of this but deep in me I stubbornly refused to give up. I had a hint of determination in me to stay out in the thunderstorm, enduring the cold and the possibility of being struck by lightning, just to know if there would be a rainbow after the thunderstorm - the appearance of the rainbow not a guaranteed outcome. Right now, I'm just shivering out there in the bitter cold, fighting the resistance to give up. An occasional bolt of lightning will strike once in a while accompanied by the loud thunder scaring the hell out of me. I'm blinded and deafened...
Switching my view to the opposite page, there was this woman who claimed to be an excellent horoscope reader sharing her opinions about the different behaviours of men belonging to every star sign. My eyes immediately scanned the page for 'gemini'... "Gemini men are a determined bunch, rarely changing their minds once their eyes are set on a potential partner. But, they are capable of telling white lies, something which needs to be tolerated. Nonetheless, they do it out of good intentions and are nice people."
Well, this is an adequate explanation for my actions. The "special one" in my mind now is my holy grail. Whether I succeed or not is entirely a different matter. Hopefully, time can prove everything, if not, time can also heal my wound if all else fails.
Today, on October 18th Wednesday, I conducted a little 'scientific' experiment just to gauge if my target reacts and responses appropriately on a psychological level. Results of this will either provide me the impetus to carry on or stagnate my progress. Sad to say, the results were negative which means I should belong to the latter stage. Shrugging it off, I opted to go school much later rather than the normal 8am and go for a little jog in the haze to clear my thoughts and shorten my life, followed by a lonely bus ride to school and plenty of meetings and work to tire myself out. I am willing to start but who is willing to give me a chance?
Happy 50th post to Bernd-out and myself...

An Occasional Outburst

2006-10-13T08:24:00.000+08:00

On my black Friday the 13th...
The signs are ominous though as much as I reject their existence
Hypocritical actions of the perpetrator diminishing whatever I have, disillusioned... flabbergasted by its actions
Triadic relationship destroying my ideal dyad
Feels like I'm being taken on a ride
Suppressing my animosity against you is my option

As learnt from the sayings of a monk "Why is it that another man cannot covet what you wish for? Is there a written rule by God restricting such behaviour? Forgive and forget, be magnanimous and free yourself from petty resentfulness and vindictiveness, for it is often cravings that poison one's mind."

Driving da Bernd Code

2006-10-09T01:18:00.000+08:00

It's official - I have given 'my first time' away. It was just after midnight on Sunday and my female colleague initiated the idea, "Hey, can you fetch me home since its on the way?" I hesitantly agreed, though it was technically not on the way but rather a detour, but I did not want to turn her down.
Unconsciously, SHE became my first ever female passenger on my car (not counting mum, sis, aunt and what-not). Well, it was not what I quite had in mind when I first received word that I could had the car for a whole week as Dad had to make a business trip but God, somehow or rather, intended for that to happen. I had come to a point where questioning God's decisions about my situations had provided me with answers as clear as the visibility you get by looking out of your window into the hazy skies these days. There seem to be no further indication of what lies ahead hence I decided on the wiser option of following early signs of events as indicators of potential problem areas, bringing the Da Vinci Code from reel to real life.
It was an uphill task, putting myself in Prof Langdon's shoes, for it was not so much that his shoe size was probably much larger than mine but largely because where he had the lovely Sophie Neveu cracking codes with him, I'm alone by myself still looking for my own "Sophie". Most important of all, "codes" in life are much, much harder to decode. It often involves looking beyond the surface of things.
Only recently did I realise the usefulness of books after I discovered an extremely wonderful answer that practically solves every problem in life in my sociology text. I also found more answers in another book about Buddhism that was distributed during matriculation fair which was aptly named "How to overcome difficulties in life". Comprehending these primary signs, I guess it probably means I would be better off drowning myself in books rather than relationship trouble.
Originally, I had meant to save the title of my first female passenger for a particular 'someone'. It must mean something for this 'unfortunate' event to happen when my chance of realizing my dream was just a mere 8 hours away. In the end, it did not matter as the "intended party" turned down my invitation. At that moment, I was thrown into deep confusion as every logical reason as to why she may reject me evaded my mind. Did she not trust my driving? Or she simply preferred a 1.6cc vehicle to my humble 1.3cc vehicle from what I observed on previous occasions? And, what does it really mean when words you do not wish to hear ("She treats you like a good friend...", "Why do you keep falling for the wrong girl?" and what-not) just never stops blasting into your eardrums? As a normal emotional human defined by the sociologists, it is normal for me to attach meaning to different things and in order to preservere my existence, I obviously had to put meaning into those signs to derive guidance. Well, a picture paints a thousand words and from a particular picture I inadvertently saw on another handphone not belonging to me, the only words in my mind are too obscene to be mentioned here.
Nonetheless, my female friends from all walks of life took turns for a ride in my "rented" vehicle. (Nah, just two of them.) One of them, Xue, gave me the biggest shock of my life by asking the following while I sped smoothly along Lornie Road. "Hey, you like any girl in school now?" It almost caused an accident. I provided a diplomatic but truthful answer, "Hmm... Yea. But not in school. She's...(explicit details not to be published)." Xue then revealed some of her thoughts in exchange and it felt great to be able to air some of my problems with a neutral party, at least for that period of time.
Mid-week was bright and cheery for me. Driving to school with a distinguished passenger was simply a pleasure and my honour. How I wished this was a sign of things to come and a glimpse of the future some ten, twenty years down the road... The hope that such beautiful thoughts and dreams had kept me sane, largely because of the many restrictions and complications of reality. I had also made an amazing discovery that a Mcdonald's egg mcmuffin breakfast could last me till dinner!
Well, it has been a good experience driving my way around. At least it kept me away from driving myself crazy for the time being. Serene's comments of me being an excellent driver was greatly appreciated too. It was nice being praised about something that I take much pride in, irregardless of other egregious criticism and ludicrous comments that was not entirely justified and uncalled for. Looking forward to my blog's 50th published post coming pretty soon... Till then and till the next driving adventure!

Shedded Tears of The Stars

2006-09-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

I've lost you amidst the crowd, finally...
All memories broken away
Your sweet face is but a distant memory

Contemplating to stay just awhile
In hope of a shooting star
Wishing for its appearance...
Praying for her forever

Will tomorrow be too late?
'cos all my yesterdays with you,
Seemed short-lived... and now, faded

The stars shed their tears...
An unspeakable sorrow
Knowing that we belong to different worlds
Jaded like a fallen star
Concealed promises that have been broken
Kept in a tattered and broken heart, worn-out
Love, disappearing from my sky forever...

I've met the right one at the wrong time
Knowing where I stand in your heart,
Harsh realization, the cruel truth
I chose to walk the path without you...

Left alone in the darkened universe
Can the stars console my broken heart?

Tears of a Mermaid

2006-09-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

Folklore has it that when a mermaid falls in love with a human, she has to sacrifice her voice in exchange for a pair of legs to enable her to walk on land, taking a huge risk for a love that might be unrequitted, just to be near the person she loves... Will her efforts pay off?

Gazing out faraway as the night falls
Fate crossed your path with his
Overcame the pain, you sacrificed your voice
Just for a chance to be near the one you love

Risking it all for a belief in true love
Without knowing its existence in reality
You had to leave, unable to say goodbye
Withering away with the waves at dawn

Those pure and innocent tears
Shed in this cold cruel world
Forsaken all, overcoming the obstacles
In the hope of everlasting love

Those angelic and devoted tears
Love, too complicated to grasp
Is the one beside him, his destiny?
Erasing all regrets as you leave
Drowning your sorrows deep under the sea...

You trusted true love would be eternal
Truth is, no love can be pure and everlasting
Your beautiful dream, burst like a bubble
A sad ending for a fairytale...

The illusions of happiness lured and blinded me, I couldn't see the harsh reality of the situation. Moments with you were pure and fulfilling, albeit short-lived. My predicament, similar to the mermaid, had been facilitated by another perpetrator, dealing a heavy blow into my heart. Maybe it is time to realize the truth: thoughts of you and me harboured in my head can never materialize... I just hope it is not too late. The stars in the sky begin to shed their tears...

Moving Forward to Familiar Territory... Home

2006-09-20T10:34:00.000+08:00

Congratulations to the perpetrator in question and similarly to myself. After much struggle coming to terms, I felt I had made the wise decision in pulling out. I have completed my home-coming transition, no doubt a topsy-turvy one bringing with it a roller-coaster ride of emotions. You can never imagine something happening that is too close for comfort, or rather so very near home. A picture taken from my friend's blog: it has a no entry sign, complete with words, "wrong way go back". It really sums up my predicament now - I lost my directional sense, lost my way and ended up in a dead end.
Credit to Fab for his constant supply of fart jokes, crude humour and a morale boosting "That's RIIIGHT!", to Xue for inducing a short-term memory upon me after knowing my troubles and also credit to my found-again aussie friend Felicia for an eye-opener regarding freedom of expression, "fuck, why bother with self-censorship?", learning much from her exemplary blog.
Rather, it was more of a game being involving players of different calibres. I have always been a passive player in the game of fate, a lower league from the game of love, hence I could never cope with the top flight pressure. The suspicious wheelings and dealings, unscrupulous tactics employed by players who were accustomed to the harsh reality, were never in my book. I came up short against an opponent, who was resourceful, scheming or you could say simply unprincipled.
It was a pity though, for the setting was not in England, or this incident could have came out tops in the new reality show that was about to showcase football's dirtiest transfer secrets cleverly hidden by certain managers, who appeared to be ready to pounce on every single opportunity available to acquire shortlisted players. I would be extremely grateful and indebted to the reporter who went undercover for the sake of exposing these dirty deeds if my case was involved too, it seems fate has avoided me again.
Something that I've learnt was to never commit yourself to the cause, drawing your tactics on the board. Tactics can go wrong at times, worse still if they have been exposed. The opposition might step up a gear after gaining valuable knowledge of your strategies which could lead to them pipping you to the win. Fortunately or unfortunately, it has already happened. Still, for formalities' sake and for my sake and everybody else's, the show has to go on.
Picking myself up, I have chosen not to stoop to the perpetrator's level of integrity, after all the ball IS in his court, I am on away ground and the arguments are against my interest. Well, nothing to be upset about, I told myself. Achieving excellences elsewhere could enrich my mind further. What is important is that I have been cured, that is it. Man shall not be tempted by greed. Enough is enough. I will just remain a passive player in the game of fate, taking in the beautiful sights and sounds, save the occasional bump on the road, as it brings me to my destination. Live life I shall deem it to be and live strong.

An Occasional Outburst + Quotable Quotes

2006-09-18T14:44:00.001+08:00

It is as if I'm thrown in a vicious rat race, unknowingly used as a pawn. The complexities of it all poisons my heart and mind, sowing seeds of doubt... or are they irreversible facts that fails to catch my eye? Amorousness had me yearning, which sparked me being caught, somewhat surprisingly, in the hierarchical web of relations. Hypocrisy, a tool undertook by the "noble", got the better of the "peasant" in me, had every intention to place huge obstacles in my path though expressed otherwise. Nonetheless, left without options, I remained "enslaved", suppressed and messed about, for my addiction to the antidote was constant.
As vacillating and baffling it may be, little was known with regards to integrity... the cyberworld "coincidence", name on the cell, an endless stream of connections... fucking with my mind. At the end, for self-preservation's sake and to keep a certain amount of consciousness, before I begin to lose my nerve, I held a grip on myself and closed the lid tight... Shutting out from this mindless game, created by the senseless and played by the shameless. Least, my mind is not poisoned...
A case of not practising what you preach or words taken in the wrong context? I believe in the visual. And learnt not to look at the surface of things... A deeper meaning awaits your enlightenment if it shall be chosen to dig deeper, as similar to looking at a health warning on a packet of cigarettes... just to know what are you in for. Turning a blind eye to the spite-inducing strategies is my final solution chosen by my maturity.

Thanks to Lionel, taken from his MSN nick...
"Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know you didn't let them down..."

Forbidden and Hidden

2006-09-14T14:53:00.000+08:00

I can't forget...
That familiar warmth from you which embraces me
As time passes unknowingly at starbucks
Your wings lift me away freely
If you are...
I'll be your listening ear and your rock
Braving the cold just from your warmth
Wishing the best from the bottom of my heart
I don't wish...
To send you away with a friendly smile
To not see the sunset with you
Not watching you enjoying your favourite latte
Tears well...

Hiding my deep emotions
You add colour in my life
Yet not fated to be
But I'll still be waiting
Hiding all my adulation
To let go is true love, not despair
I'm told...
If anytime you're lost, do not wander
Remember me

Fond memories...
Of envisioning the future as we walked
Our minds drifting in unison
Bringing me away from reality
Short memories...
That familiar warmth from you which embraces me
As time passes unknowingly at starbucks
Your wings lift me away freely

Could I hold your hand forever?
Not because of my unwillingness to let you go
Just to know you never ever be hurt
And be happy forever...
Even if it is a forever without me

Bernd's Home-coming Thoughts (3)-fin

2006-09-12T09:44:00.000+08:00

My life has become even more problematic of late. So I figured that I shall not continue my home-coming thoughts any further lest more problems surface. Instead, I decided to do a noble deed here and help solve some problems of other people who are in a similar situation as me, hoping that my singular effort can at least lessen the world's problems. (A little nosey but still noble.) Maybe, just maybe, I could also search for solutions to my own problems when I attempt to address these problems. Following are letters sifted from sources and are those most relevant to my final home-coming thoughts. Any similarities are purely coincidental... here goes.
Letter 1:
Hi, I am an average guy in his mid-twenties. I have a problem that has been bugging me ever since leaving adolescence. Everytime I am attracted to a girl, it seems that she will always be attached and this has happened quite a number of instances. What should I do? -unlucky guy

Ah, this is an easy one to start with. I can say I'm the perfect person to answer this question. No longer something foreign to me, I came to a simple conclusion. Continue waiting, or turn gay. The best decision is just to remain alone and get along with life. There are things you have to accept in life and move on. Its simply a sign from God, like it or not. I'm still bitter about it...

Letter 2:
I am a girl in her early twenties and studying at a tertiary institution locally. Recently, due to certain sequence of happenings, many problems have surfaced in my life and I am having trouble coping but there is one which has proven to be most tricky. It was not too long ago that I got to met a wonderful guy, R through one of my girlfriends at a social event and we hit it off like old friends. I felt we had a special connection through the way we shared about our experiences. Some time later, I came to know that he is actually attached. Well, that being truth, I learnt to accept albeit I felt deeply disappointed. For the sake of not causing hurt, I had to maintain the status quo... I'm really at a loss here. What should I do? -distressed gal

That was a long letter and a very complicated matter from my point of view. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Well, first of all, I would say that there's pretty nothing much you can do about it. (Not very helpful but its true.) Though our feelings are often out of our control, you have to take the bulk of the problem. You're threading on thin ice, trying to balance both sides of the equation. Having watched a variety show, Guess 5 a few days back, where a girl actually befriended the guy when he was still attached, maintaining the healthy friendship for a period of time till he broke up with his then-partner and they got together and even appeared on the show as a couple! You could learn from this 'case study', just wait for the situation to change for the 'better' and try to manoeuvre your way through this tricky situation. Hopefully, it ends in a peaceful manner but remember, loving someone doesn't mean being with him/her but just to see him/her happy would be enough.

Letter 3:
I'm writing this letter in need of some advice. Recently, there's this girl whom I know for a long time and she has actually confessed her love for me. But I only like her as a friend and furthermore, my heart already belongs to another girl whom I really really like. I'm at a loss. What should I do? -confused guy

It is people like you who I don't like (call it jealousy or being envious). Go away and come back next time with a real problem (like What do you think about government intervention regarding inequality in society?). You do not appreciate your blessings. Shoo.

Well, I finished this entry while enjoying a piping hot serving of Mcdonald's Hotcakes in campus, my 'happy' food. Prolonged period of brooding over my problems had caused my body resistance to deteoriate and I'm on the threshold of falling ill (of course hopefully I won't). This problem should at least be put on hold now, regardless of me having a solution or not. I feel I really have to move on and leave these to the hands of fate. Thanks to these letters that I found, addressing the problems of others has let me see my own in a different perspective and for the sake of us and for the love of God, may there never be such problems ever again. Nein.

My Only Wish

2006-09-10T14:04:00.000+08:00

The heavy skies start to rain
He's close by your side
Sheltering you from the winds...
But my heart is as heavy as the skies
Upon seeing him smiling with you
A sight that keeps replaying in my mind...

I want to love her
Living torture, my eyes are lying
Out to hide all of my feelings
Voiding it to prevent complications
Even so I still love her
Having lost all my senses
Electing to pull out as the best solution
Really... I need an answer please...

Love has no boundaries
A pity though...
I lack the courage to choose
And if this indecisiveness of mine
Carries on forever...
More hurt will be inflicted

I really want to love her
But my eyes are lying to me
Hiding my feelings for an easy way out
Preventing unnecessary complications
I really wish to love her
Every senses fighting my will
Is pulling out really better
I need an answer... please

Though its simply not right,
Love has taught me not to leave it...
What can I do?

Bernd's Home-coming Thoughts (3) II

2006-09-09T13:44:00.000+08:00

I am a man of a few words. Unless the person whom I'm having a conversation with is a close pal of mine, I may come across as a dull and boring guy. I'd like to think that I can be really interesting at times (maybe my close buddies would vouch for that). So, it came as a huge surprise when H, a newly acquainted friend, could actually get me to open up and talk about anything under the sun, something which I could never do with any "newly-acquainted friend". It got me a little fuzzy but honestly, the feeling was amazing.

Throughout that period of time when we exchanged our thoughts, it seems the hustle and bustle of the world just disappeared momentarily. There were times that I did not even recall two other friends that were together with us. As all good things must come to an end, the night passed instantly and it was time to separate our ways back home.

That magical moment left a sweet memory in my mind and I could actually sleep well that night, something which I could not achieve after "ytsirsyllis". There was another time when we had the chance for a little tête-à-tête and it was just as wonderful. H, having opening up a new world in my life, had actually saved me from the dark dungeons of "ytsirsyllis". Unknowingly, I am cured.

In my twenty-one years of existence, if I had learnt something, it would be that life always gives you a little taste of something good and takes it away as soon as you covet it. This time round, though the 'chemo-therapy' was effective, it was in fact founded by a doctor years before. Helpless, I accepted the truth bravely but I was still very grateful for H's existence in my life. Just another of life's lessons... There were further implications awaiting me as I gradually found out.

Quotable Quotes

2006-09-08T19:50:00.000+08:00

From a MSN contact, "The devil wears Prada, an angel wears Bata."

Spanish footballers tired of being compared to their country's basketball team,
"Football and basketball are two different sports."
(especially a reminder to myself... perhaps thats why my life is in confusion now. its been one month of non-football action... sigh)

Bernd's Home-coming Thoughts (3) I

2006-09-08T02:50:00.000+08:00

When you are rooted at the bottom and really down in the dumps, there can be only one way... Up. It was how things were going to turn out, just a matter of when and how. The guy upstairs decided not to mess with me and keep me waiting too long so in a matter of weeks after 'ytsirsyllis', he decided to send me the antidote for it, in the form of HLC.

Of course, it was through a friend that I knew her, since it was obvious that even North Korea has more friends than I have female friends now. So, it was written in the stars that HLC and me shall meet on the starry midnight of August 26th 2006.

Admittedly, she did not catch my eye in the first instant I saw her as there were a group of people around. But being the gentleman that I am, I always attempt to know everybody around in order not to be seen as rude. As the night progressed, words were exchanged and laughter shared and, voila!, I've made myself some new friends. Still shaken from my previous encounter with disease, I constantly reminded myself not to 'expose' myself casually again. However, it was going to be slightly different this time round.

It is all a blur to me now as for why a second gathering had been arranged but there was one, thankfully. I guess like any other days, we had nothing better to do in our tiny island and decided to take a walk downtown. H happened to be in that outing as well. God's little 'chemotherapy' on me was about to start, with an intention to forever remove the cancerous cells of 'ytsirsyllis' in my heart. It was bound to be the most effective treatment I am going to receive... And I shall worry about the side effects later.

Masterpiece (prelude to 3rd homecoming)

2006-09-07T19:17:00.000+08:00

Special girl of much worth
Peaceful in her every aura
Every of her word spoken
Comforts my weary soul
Is it love this time.. as i
Await the coming of dawn
Looking...

and hoping
she'll be the ONE
in my life...
at the end

Special One

2006-09-06T20:10:00.000+08:00

The joyous times we spent
Seems to belong to only the two of us.
Never a moment that I felt faraway
Even in silence...

Asking myself will anything come out of this?
I'm not your destiny now... hopefully, only now
What does fate has in store I do not know...
My world crumbles with every thought

Tell me you're the one
Who'll complete my life full of regrets
Who'll stay by my side after the storm
And that you'll console my every tear...

Tell me you're the one
Missing piece of my puzzle
And I'll be your destiny
Your heart will be my final destination...

Tell me you're that special someone

God, tell me...

Letting Go...

2006-09-06T11:34:00.000+08:00

How does one capture the magic of a rainbow?
How does one embrace the autumn wind?
The stars high above, disillusioned with life too
An empty soul, always unsatisfied

If I fall in love with your smile
Can I keep it with me forever?
If you smile, but not because of me
Does my letting go signifies a beginning?

A gust of wind brings the kite sky high
For your presence...
I pray, I wish, I'm touched
Hiding my tears I'll smile for you
When the day finally comes
For me to lose you forever...

Remember the times we shared
All wonderful moments of my life
Precious memories to last me a lifetime
A remaining lifetime of loneliness without you...

I have fallen in love with your smile
But can I keep it with me forever?
If ever you shall smile, but not because of me...
Smile beautifully
Just remember me once
That'll be enough... for me

Bernd's Home-coming Thoughts (2)

2006-09-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

I met YTS way way back in late May. Back then, I was an army ready-to-be-turned-civillian guy spending my time idle at home as I was clearing whatever military leave I have left. I received an invitation to go for a "sit-in" lecture about new media at NUS as I was a prospective undergraduate about to enter the wonderful Arts faculty. Rather reluctantly, I agreed to go, well mainly because my buddy is going and I am 'supposed' to go with him as he 'supposedly' promised his other friend etc etc.

Two seniors greeted us at the MRT station on an early morning. (Actually, to be honest, there might be a couple more but i did not notice and they don't play a part in my account.) One was my buddy's friend and the other, YTS. Initially, Y did not catch my eye as I was in the advanced stage of 'womanphobia'. Strangely, I eventually found Y to be cutely attractive, if I could term it that way. Y also became my main reason for joining a new media orientation camp a few weeks later and unknowingly, she began to take centre-stage in my life. Y was the medicine for 'womanphobia'! There was a catch though... Medicine Y was 'not readily available off-the-shelves'. A pharmacist was fiercely guarding this concoction that I badly needed.

It was nothing new to me anymore. Nothing good could come out from these things, especially matters of the heart. Even though the particular 'pharmacist' was about to give up medicine Y at that time, I knew my chances of a full recovery was pretty slim, if not, none. Furthermore, there were obvious indications that Y may not be the correct medicine but I stubbornly refused that school of thought and relentlessly demanded for Y deep in my heart.

A few days later, I learnt that medicine Y had been 'discarded'. I had attempted to pick Y up but got cut by the broken glass pieces instead (with a simple "You are?"). I knew I had to undergo a slow and painful realization that I HAVE to give Y up. Now, to add insult to injury, I suffered deep cuts on my hands in addition to my second stage of 'womanphobia', medically termed 'ytsirsyllis'. Things are just going from bad to worse...

Quotable Quotes

2006-09-04T02:14:00.000+08:00

Taken from one of my friend's MSN nick which I find a wonderful statement to sum up my troubles...
Jasonism "He doesn't know if he loves her or just likes her, needs her or just wants her. All he knows is that the feeling he gets when he sees her is unexplainably amazing!"

Bernd's Home-coming Thoughts (1)

2006-09-04T01:51:00.000+08:00

I somehow stumbled upon this piece of unwanted land, left uncared and barren for almost a year. The reason? I would think it is due to the extra bit of time I suddenly have on my hands now that I'm a normal person (read:civillian not a soldier). Still, I figured it may not be the real complete reason for my home-coming. There's been a sudden explosion of sorts in my life, everything thrown out and disrupting whatever order I had maintained in my life. I thought I had it covered. I am in disarray now. I need an outlet. This is it. Sociologists insist that writing out your thoughts can make the situation clearer, something which could really help me now.

Also, another reason was that I discovered another visitor in my land... A foreigner! It was an amazing feeling to know that somebody, also called Bernd, from a faraway land had actually read one of my entries. It inspired me to make a comeback and let my feelings go loose here in my sacred land.

Army left me in a pleasant state of retrenchment. I found another part time job that occupies lesser of my time as compared to the damned military and double the measly allowance I used to receive. I joined orientation camp and school pretty much followed after that. It was another sudden change of environment that I had to deal with quickly given the pace of life, not a pleasant task for me considering that I have a low level of adaptability. I figured this might be the main factor for my outburst of depression.

I am NOT a good-looker. God has short-changed me in that department, I must admit. I found that out a long time ago but everyday is a new challenge for me to attempt to accept it. Some days are easier, some are not. Of course I am the guy that no girls notice, which is something I am oddly proud of. Well it could be my ex that has left a lasting impression on me so much so that I have developed womanphobia. Somehow, whenever I make myself resolutions that I am determined to keep, God never fail find new ways to test me and this test has come in the form of YTS and HLC. Well, they are not new mutated chorolesterol genes or vitamins as I had learnt in Food Security lecture but two persons who left (in one case, still leaving) memorable imprints in my heart, never can I forget...

End of the Horizon

2006-09-02T16:24:00.000+08:00

Standing on green pastures,I gazed at the clouds
Imagining your presence among them
I can only gaze... Helpless
As the changing winds transform every cloud

Do you actually love me?
I'm just as lost as the clouds...
Well it doesn't really matter
As long as you don't drift too far from me
I will never understand...

Anywhere you feel like resting
Anytime you feel like leaving
I'm just glad to stay near you
Someday when you finally feel tired
I'll be there waiting for you...

Do you actually love me?
Clouds are not revealing much...
Well it doesn't really matter...
Really

On that faraway pasture
Clouds drifting by...
What a glorious sight...
I'll just imprint everything about you
Deep in my heart
I'll be happy...

I'll be waiting for you
At the end of the horizon

Heartbeat

2006-09-02T13:54:00.000+08:00

Your smile is like a hug to me
Your hug washes my burdens away
If dream is but only a bubble,
At least I've touched it once...

My eyes are unable to read your heart
Your ears are unable to hear my prayers
Where can I find love's forgotten tracks
Given the unpredictability of the world?

How important you are to me or
If you ever liked me
Holds no significance to me as
Maybe I'll never find the answer
What matters is...
I can feel your heart beating in mine

Your tears are my every trouble
I'm touched just by your presence
Closing my eyes while in my dreams...
My only chance of holding you close by my side

You're sent to open a lonely man's heart
You're the cure for the knot in my heart
I can never repay the heavens enough for your arrival
Though I'll never find the answer

What matters is...
I can feel your heart beating in mine

Touched By An Angel II

2005-09-28T17:15:00.000+08:00

A locked door in a corner of the room
Is where my feelings for you are kept

A window facing the sea
Is where I look out everytime I think of you

An old apartment at the end
Is where I was and will be waiting for you

A worn out shirt in my closet
Is what that reminds me of our short time together

A time which I dearly cherish in my heart
A wish to see you once again before my life ends

Dear God, may I cross the vast ocean someday...
Dear God, may fate has it that we'll meet again one day...
Dear God, may I remember her face till the very end...
Dear God, may she always be happy and find true love...
Dear God, may her life be blessed forever...

Touched By An Angel I

2005-09-26T06:30:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant
Brilliance in its simplicity
My love is pure
Pure and sincere but untouched
I saw an angel of whom
My life and love she took away
Of that I'm sure

She smiled at me
A radiant smile, a beautiful sight
She was with another man
An unpleasant surprise
The ring on her hand says it all
These weren't part of my plan
For I'll hang on till the end

She's beautiful
She's beautiful its true
I saw her face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll never be with her

She caught my eye
As I walked on by
That moment left me flying high
But I don't think that I'll see her again
The distance setting us apart
Though we shared a moment
That'll last till the end

My life was brilliant...
My love was pure...
I've been touched by an angel
Who has came and left

A Difficult Farewell

2005-09-25T09:06:00.000+08:00

The flight back home slipped into an endless passage of time
High above the clouds but weighed with emotions aplenty
Left behind a baggage full of memories, a souvenir of love

A trip that completes my story, an ending seemingly perfect
If my determination fail and I call your name, breaking the silence
Should I refrain myself or follow my heart?

Looking at you from afar, always a safe distance away
A voice that is struggling to escape from my heart
Your eyes, always keeping me from secrecy
Thrust into confusion, stabbed by depression
Never can I forget

Convincing myself that you'll be better off without me
Perhaps I never meant much to you, just a part of your memory
Are you nothing to me, or do I love you too much to give you up
Farewell to you, farewell to my feelings...
Gone with the wind

Remember that I once came into your life
Remember that I once loved you
For I'll always remember what you mean to me...

Clockwise

2005-07-08T23:11:00.000+08:00

An aimless wander amidst rain-drenched air,
Sadness lingers in his tired soul.
Picking up the pieces of his life
Remains of heartbreaks, fading into the past.

Mustering up his courage,
He forces himself into the passage of time.
Looking out of the window for that long awaited guiding light,
Waiting for a fresh breath of air...
Just waiting.

The fairytale in his memory
Never existed in his reality
Everything that love shouldn't be.
Yet his world had been trodden, stolen,
Promises broken...
What's left for him?

He lingers in his own fairytale in solitude,
Keeping faith, holding on
Knowing that he could never turn back the hands of time.
Helpless, every part of him is swept away with the wind
Memories gradually forgotten with time.

A setback no doubt, he wanted to pick himself up
To start the fairytale all over.
Well he never quite made it,
Maybe fairytales never existed in the beginning...

Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down in him
He knew choosing the lonely path is the easier way of life for him.

The never-ending wait still continues,
Rays of the sun seeps down on him.
The rain has been long forgotten along with love's illusion,
Fading eventually...

Humble Beginnings

2005-06-27T16:23:00.000+08:00

The last time I mentioned how long I haven't been blogging resulted in me not blogging for a period of about 4 months so I guess I shall not mention the lapse in this entry. Perhaps I've been too busy (lazy rather) to blog every single detail of my 'interesting' life since that February entry. Well, most of my weekends have been all about shooting pool, watching and playing soccer and managing my great Man Utd team in Football Manager 2005. Yes, that's what my life has been revolving about. I did not take this four months to search for a partner, to the great disappointment of all my faithful readers, which I suspect the numbers has dipped after looking at the same February entry for 4 months. That should take the original number of 8 to about 3. Anyway, that shouldn't be a surprising statistic since blogs are such a common sight these days, with some of them even making the news.

This has been one hell of a stumbling block in my attempt to blog after a period of inactivity. Blogs everywhere are displaying more than just words alone. You get pictures, animations and even nude pictures as I found out recently. That's asking too much of my poor ol' blog and furthermore, I have to admit that I lack plenty of knowledge in these things. One of my faithful reader then pointed out that what my blog lacks in colours and sounds, it makes up with its content and excellent english. If only he was among those people at SPH recruiting talent, I might have been chosen for that Journalism Scholarship. (The rejection came in the form of a letter in March, another reason why I had lost my motivation in blogging.) Well, I guess in life, you just have to take things as they come.

With that hefty piece of summary of the last four months, I'm now a slightly different person and so has my blog. Now humble for its simplicity and its tiny readership of less than five people, namely Jolin, Jerome, sometimes Nicholas, Fabius rarely and an occasional visit of an unknown Tom, Dick or Harry who lost his way navigating through the Internet. Also with the encouragement of another avid reader Jolin, I decided to come out of the shadows in order no to disappoint them and of course, ultimately myself, for this is my passion and fruit of my labour.

Amidst the last four months, I had also found my other passion, driving. Having only started in early May, I didn't know what I was missing out on only when I began jamming the accelerator of the learner car in the school's circuit. It could be natural talent or interest or perhaps a mixture of both, the 33 lessons were a breeze for me and I finished them within 5 weeks. Even some instructors were amazed when they saw my progress book. Now, I can safely say that owning a car will be a priority of mine in the near future, way above getting a wife. In fact, my future car will be my first wife, not second as most people phrase it. The only thing to do now is to thoroughly convince the tester of my driving skills on 25 July and after that, work towards my goal of owning a Mitsubishi Evolution IX! Maybe till then after I passed, I may have to make do with my dad's trusty Suzuki Liana. Well, of course also not forgetting to work towards continuing this precious humble blog of mine...

Shocks and Misses of Life

2005-02-07T23:21:00.000+08:00

It has been a very long time since I've last did an entry. Last time I blogged, memories of the new year and christmas festive season were still lingering around my head. The reason being, firstly to give myself a well deserved break after plenty of blogging in the weeks before and secondly to sort myself out and see for myself what kind of year will it be for me. Sad to say, nothing constructive has been achieved this while. There were comings and goings, happenings, events worth remembering and of course some not. Being the ignorant person, I remained very much indifferent to whatever that's going on, partly feeling quite helpless to do anything. This can lead to a pretty boring life, one that I'm used to by now.

About half the people in my bunk are gone by now, posted out elsewhere. Though no longer together, we knew the friendship and brotherhood forged from our time together will keep us as good friends. This major change in my life brought about another minor change physically. Leaving my old bed for greener pastures, I settled for a cosier one at the corner of the room, now vacated after my friend left. I have equipped it with speakers and tons of pleasant pictures, mainly of Rui En, Jeanette Aw and friends. One friend even pointed out to me that I have even made it cosier than my own room. Well, since I have to stick it through for two bloody years, I might as well make it a comfortable stay.

While away, I've been attempting to catch up with many of the movies I missed in 2004 and boy, did I miss out on a bunch of wonderful flicks. Rented Shrek both 1 & 2, Harold and Kumar, Lost In Translation etc. Somehow, after watching Shrek, I think it best sums up my next shocker. Though I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, my sister had half-heartedly mentioned that I should not be that disheartened about relationships and stuff. Even Shrek, being big, fat, ugly and green, has Lady Luck and Cupid working together for him in getting Princess Fiona. Kind of her to cheer me up and bring me some hope but I really did ponder about my chances with a pretty girl after watching Shrek. Then the bomb dropped on me. No, I did not hook up with a pretty girl but the so-called "right" girl I knew had pulled off a Princess Fiona. My friend was the messenger who broke this piece of disappointing news. Absolute shocker and knocked me out cold like a sucker-punch. I just hope that he isn't big, fat, ugly and green for her sake and mine but I do know for one that he is rather, rather... well, mature. THAT too, depleted my ideas and interest in blogging for awhile. But anyway...

Talking about fat, almost about everyone I know are quite harsh with their words these days. Except for a friend or two and my 'luohan' fish, the rest have been going on with how I have somehow grown bigger blah blah. "Oh aren't you in the army? My, you look bigger!" or "Wow, you look large now..." have greeted me everywhere. I anticipate a substantial increase in these rude comments come this chinese new year, with me seeing more of my relatives whom many of them I know are quite frank. As long I know what I've been doing, I feel I have no need to explain to the world nor feel guilty for my increase in size, especially if I've been pumping lots of iron and presses the past month(thanks to Princess Fiona and the ever maturing Shrek).

One good thing did come out of the past month though and that was Man United beating the hell out of those arrogant arses of Arsenal. I didn't thought we had a chance at Highbury but we came out tops 4-2! It was fantastic to see the look of resignation and despair on all those Arsenal players and of course, Wenger. Now to kick some rich blue asses with just 9 points between us... We have to show that money can't buy success.

Life's never easy and the going gets tough sometimes, things happen, you meet nice people and you meet bad ones too. Expect everything to happen. Turning 20 this year now, its time for me to sort life out. I guess everything here can be summed up by the words on my Nike wristband which has been with me ever since I got it from my friend, "LIVESTRONG".

Re-Solutions and Horrorscope

2005-01-09T18:18:00.000+08:00

So here I find myself raring to go in 2005. Somehow or rather, I've got a sneaky feeling that this year may not turn out well for me again. Life never fails to disappoint, does it? Perhaps, just perhaps, my life will start proper once 2006 beckons but thats another 365 days to go. Coincidentally, I get to convert back into a civillian too when that happens but to be exact, I've got roughly about 504 days of my life to waste away in the useless military but who's counting anyway? A brand new fresh start as they say for this brand new year. It is during this period of time when most people start to put their lives into perspective. Having witnessed and experienced all that our life brought to us the year before, this is the time for us to put things correct again and not let history repeat itself. Which is why I guess people have a habit of making resolutions in the new year.

However, new year resolutions are not something that I'm exactly very keen on. Mine have always been broken year after year without fail. And when the year is about to come to an end, I'll begin to regret all that I've set out but fail to do. To put things simply this year and to be kind to myself, I shall not make any resolutions but just hope to live life happily no matter how it may turn out to be.

Another aspect which people will definitely look at every new year would be their respective outlook for their horoscope. Regardless of the different references available, they provide a detailed summary of what to expect, avoid etc. All in all, it just eases our mind and calm our heart when it comes to expecting the unexpected, especially in a new year. No matter what horoscope you belong, there's bound to be something really good to look forward to in the year, which is why I find some horoscope predictions pretty ridiculous. This is one for Gemini which I read from 8 Days not too long ago...

Gemini
Your romantic stars are in top form until October. As the year progresses, your social life begins to connect up with your work - could it be that romance is brewing on the professional front? It is certainly indicated that personal relationships will be a critical factor in the success of developments at work. Like the grain of sand in the oyster that produces the pearl, so does friction have its own creative potential as love blossoms in unexpected areas.

I was amazed and stunned upon reading that. Well for starters, I'm a full-time national serviceman for god's sake. If what they say is accurate, I'm either turning into a really obnoxious homosexual or I'm about to fall for the aunty serving me food at the cookhouse. I really don't think I'll fall in love with my commanders even if I'm a desperate case. With most of them being regulars, they are the last thing that I'll ever want to get close to. Hmm... very worrying indeed. This may explain my bad luck with the opposite sex all this while. Unless I ever get a miraculous change of occupation this year (which is highly unlikely) or a gorgeous lady signs on for the military (which is quite impossible too) and get posted to my camp, I really hope that was a wrong call.

Rewind 2004

2005-01-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

Here I am, spending the last minutes of a dull and depressing 2004, compiling the happenings and memories of the past year as I cross into a new 2005. A night of peace and serenity, away from the rowdy and noisy horde of people who prefer spending the night counting down with millions of unknown people, save for the few of their friends. Well, not that I belong to the anti-social kind but I somehow feel that there isn't much to celebrate for anyway. We should spare a thought for those affected by the tsunami disaster, missing and dead alike, those whose homes and families wrecked in an instant. A sad way to end 2004, lost as they head into 2005. Right, here is my 2004...

Jan
The beginning of a new year, looking forward to life after 12 years of education. Just came back from a Bangkok trip with two other friends and looking forward to the well-deserved and long break ahead. Casting the thought of enlisting into the military away from my head as I enthusiastically start work at Carrefour as a cashier.
Feb
Midway through the long break, work fatigue starts to take its toll on me. Enjoyed the festivities during Chinese New Year though. A slightly different Valentine's Day from last year as I just went through a breakup not long ago. Assigned to guide and teach a new cashier at work nearing the end of February. This was how I met R. Dreaded the arrival of March.
Mar
Left Carrefour and R a week into March due to the damn enlistment at the end of the month. Promised myself to keep in contact with her no matter what. Arranged a memorable KTV session with close friends to "see" me off. As far as I know, life for me ended on the 30th of March, 2004 at 1400 hrs. Gone with it, my civillian identity, my ability to make sense and my freedom. Hated the Singapore Arm Forces to the core.
Apr - Jun
Little idea of what happened in my life throughout this time. Lost touch of reality and life. Seem to be in a limbo, whether in camp or out free. An unwilling prisoner of cruel and senseless measures. Its a wonder that I even survived the seemingly impossible BMT. Graduated at last but suffered a back injury in late May. Got R a birthday gift on May 7th. Turned 19 on May 30th. Passed out of BMT in June.
Jul - Aug
Initially had the idea that life after BMT could be much better and the misconception that BMT is just about it. Got posted to a pretty old and rundown unit as an engineer. Life couldn't be much worse, could it? Determined to fight for a better life and vocation too, could not bear the thought of spending another 2 years as an engineer. A vocation with the logistics department would be more humane. Got downgraded due to medical condition in August and became a store logistician. Started this blog in August after a long absence.
Sept - Oct
Adapting to life as a storeman slowly but surely. Not as depressed as before when in the early days. Sent for a couple of logistics tasks along with the unit when they were out for exercises and learnt to get by. Celebrated birthdays too as they came quick and fast, especially at this period. Also, a memorable September too as I was presented with the exclusive opportunity to know a wonderful and lovely girl, Right Girl as I call her.
Nov - Dec
Tagged along with the unit as they went on a real mission cum operation at Jurong Island. Quite an eye-opener and also a good assignment as we get off days every alternate day. Concluded in mid November and was to get a change of vocation at the end of November. Now known as an armskoteman, in charge of the store for weapons. Much more risky and dangerous but took it in my stride with not much fuss. No big deal anyway, its not as if I get to walk out away from military life. Plenty of work to do in the armskote and adapted to a different beat along with my new partner at work. Had a lonely Christmas. Celebrated it by walking down town with a close friend of mine, admiring the lightings and night scenery. Finished up the year 2004 by completing this rewind. A happy 2005 to myself and anyone reading still reading up till this last sentence...

May 2005 be better for all of us, and the world.

Mis-Quoted Trouble

2004-12-31T17:43:00.000+08:00

Its quite amazing the amount of interest that generates just by a change of an online nickname. Just about a week ago, there was a series of unfortunate events which, rather predictably, happened to me. Little did I knew that there was going to be an unfortunate event of a larger scale as compared to mine, the tsunami disaster. But coming back to this, I've decided that I should express troubled feelings in my heart out and channel the negative surge of energy and adrenaline correctly. Initially, I suspected a rare case of PMS but dismissed it right away after realising that one of those unfortunate events was girl-related.

So what I did, besides dishing out the worst and torturous punishment I could to Rico on WWF Smackdown and composing a translated poem on my blog, I felt a change was necessary for my MSN nick, "Bernd's hopelessly blissful and blind - No One Loves Me, even the Right Girl".

It was a rather refreshing mix of cultures, a line from a rock tune by Sum 41 and part of the title from Acacia (a Korean movie). With all that done, I gave myself a pat on my back and sat back to take a well-deserved rest. Though all that strenuous physical and mental activity did less to improve my unfortunate situation, it was satisfying enough to know that the anger in my heart simmered. Everything remained usual till the next day when I returned to camp. My friends began to shower me with extra concern and became extremely patient to me. A fellow armskoteman finally broke the silence over their recent behaviour while we were on duty in the armskote room.

"Hey.. erm... Have you been ditched? I saw your nick on MSN." he asked, attempting to sound polite and non-obtrusive. I returned him a surprised stare, as if ridiculed. He tried to look away but I could not care less. At that time, I felt I could hold a M-16 rifle and a semi-auto, each on both hands, and fire away at him while thrusting a bayonet knife at his throat. I remember making it known to almost all my friends I had been girlfriendless all this while. But being the kind soul that I am, I repaid his kindness with thanks, telling him that I'm perfectly fine. It was like going through a bad patch. Then, to shun the topic and to advertise my blog at the same time, I asked him to visit my blog for more details. Killing two birds with one stone as they say...

Anyway, in this depressed and emotional last entry of 2004, I shall do all interested parties a favour by re-posting the entry mentioned, more for convenience sake. Do not waste your time but look between the lines for that hidden agenda. Happy New Year everyone...

Dreaming Of The Right Girl
CAPTIVATING
RAVISHING
EASY-GOING
TRUSTWORTHY
ELEGANT
SLENDER
ENDEARING
FRIENDLY
ALLURING

Dedication to an Angel

2004-12-27T05:58:00.000+08:00

David Tao wrote this song, dedicating it to a salesgirl he once met while travelling overseas. I became terribly inspired to do it in English, and to dedicate to a girl I have yet to meet but lost. Weird, but true. Its the kind of feeling that warms my heart when I see her, though non-physically but it is so surreal. Nonetheless, this angel has flown and left and this is for her...

I do not recognise the person in the mirror
All I see is a worn-out soul
I try to smile but my heart would not relent
Loneliness kept within me
Just like a lost sail in the stormy sea
Will I ever have the courage to leave the present me?

Angel, Angel
How I wish you'd be with me
Angel, Angel
Take my hand and never let go

Sometimes I feel no one can ever
Feel the pain that I do in my heart
Too afraid to face reality
Keeping to myself is my escape
I need an embrace, for I'm breaking into pieces
Drifting out alone, will someone out there find me?

Angel, Angel
How I wish you'd be with me
Angel, Angel
Do you hear me?
Will you wait for me?

Angel, Angel
Please I need you by my side
Angel, Angel
Please don't ever let go...

All I Want For Christmas Is...

2004-12-25T02:24:00.000+08:00

Tis' the season... The wait is over. Christmas has finally arrived and although I think it may be a wee bit too late for Santa to read this, here is Bernd's Christmas wishlist. It would be a fabulouso Christmas if all were to come true...

Bernd's wishlist:
+ Nike Total 90 III soccer boots
They're one of the best around, looks wonderful and feels good, worn by the biggest names in soccer... It may be a different story once they're on me though...
+ Man Utd home strip
THE best team with a cool gear... Nuff said.
+ Nokia 6170 (already gotten)
Not yet advertised and still unknown to the masses, quite a great gadget to have before everyone else does. Made of stainless steel too, a touch of class that doesn't rust...
+ Micro Hi-fi system
Well, I've got a portable radio cum CD player sitting in my room that looks pretty ancient and best of all, it cannot play CDs. Quite pathetic if you ask me...
+ Creative Zen Micro
In my opinion, this little miracle will win any apple, orange or pear or whatever brand you have in mind hands down. It looks way better too, with additional functions and a user-friendly interface. Best of all, its local. One to get after my current Creative MuVo TX. Piss off iPod...
+ Pool Cue
Something which I had longed for... I can safely say that with my current ability, I can play some decent pool every now and then after faithfully dedicating time and energy in sharpening my skills. Heck, even beating my friend now does not pose much of a problem for me. Time for a better and brand new cue for me as I continue in my quest for more glory.
+The girls mentioned below
(Rui En, Jeanette Aw, Debbie Wong, Lin Zhi Ling, Hebe, Hello! shop girl, the RIGHT girl)
These girls to me, are just absolutely out of this world. Well, I'm not asking for much but just to meet them in person would be enough. Anymore longer than that and I may risk myself getting puked on. If by the grace of God and the generosity of Santa, that I may get anyone of these as my girl, I swear to live my life decently and be a better man.
+Happiness
This would be something that money can't buy. So wouldn't it be great if I could get it for free? A priceless gift that lights up my life.
+My Pink IC
Gone with it was my freedom as a civilian. I wasn't even a willing party in the first place. To sum it up, it was an unfair trade for a ugly 11b, dull and dead military life (or is it no life?) and nonsensical activities. Bleah, f*ck it... As they say, serve and forget. If Santa can somehow overthrow the brainless government and the military and bring back my pink IC, I'll volunteer to be one of his reindeers next year.
+A special person
Till today, it has been a ten-month wait for this person. I'm not praying for miracles to happen but since its Christmas, I'll just like to include this person here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Lonely Christmas

2004-12-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

It never snows in the city I live in,
Yet I'm feeling cold, frozen out by memories.
My longing for you has long been forgotten
Along with the bright lights of the city...

Left by myself this Christmas,
A lonesome celebration and maybe getting drunk.
Forgetting about those whom I had loved,
for none are here with me.
All that remains, loneliness for the night.

Merry merry Christmas
Lonely lonely Christmas
My joy hangs solitarily in the air,
I'm desolated
Love has turned its back on me.

Lonely lonely Christmas
Merry merry Christmas
Like a greeting card without an address,
A lost destiny leaving me cold and broken.

Who will I spend this Christmas with?
Well I guess there isn't an absolute answer...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas...
Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles will be out of sight...

Nothing Is Possible, Anything Is Impossible

2004-12-20T00:34:00.000+08:00

I feel that I have been trying my best to be an extremely simple and normal guy, at least for the past few months. Maybe I've been trying too hard as a close friend put to me that I've now become a total failure when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Very honest I must say and it gives me the urge to do some self-searching of late. Much as it hurts me to say this, but I'm afraid that whatever my dear friend had observed is actually happening to me in reality. Not that I care much with my newly-adopted mentality of "girls are a big hassle" and that "I'm in love with freedom". Putting aside all the crap in my head, I discovered that the situation has deteriorated into a no-hope and no-win case for poor ol' me. My shocking revelation came a week before Christmas...

I did not think much of my friend's proposal when he revealed it to me. According to him, someone was holding some dinner-party somewhere at some pub somehow. And he wanted me to be his "date" for that night. I could tell that it was sheer desperation that he came to me. On account of his friendship with me (I do not have many friends) and being the nice guy that I am, I relented. Well, it was your usual party with loud music, loud noises and loud people. There was plenty of guys and girls of course, sadly whom majority are already attached to the guys present there. (Why bother bringing them in that case?) Anyways, just like me, my friend had not has much luck with girls too and we found ourselves chilling out at a corner, drinking and watching people make merry. Being the inquisitive person that he is, he attempted once again to probe into my life. "Hey look, those guys look even worst than you do and yet, they've got a girl man!" I began to wonder if my friend was a light drinker. Come on, after a few vodkas and you actually think I'm good-looking? But after a careful observation of his behaviour and speech, it occured to me that he has yet to go into his drunken stupor. He then proceeded on with a rough biography with each of his attached friends and giving me the necessary advice to spur me on to find a girl.

I gave serious consideration to his feedback and thought, "Have I really gotten so pathetic that I can't even hold a candle to these guys?" It was truly a depressing moment. Maybe I should give myself a little chance after all. But I still decided to take things easy and let fate chart its course. If its fated to be, let it be. If its not, I shan't bother. And indeed nothing happened. So much for fate. Till last weekend when I decided to get a new mobile phone...

In order to add a touch of uniqueness and difference to my ordinary personality, I have decided to choose the Nokia 6170 for that extraordinary feel. It is a fantastic phone I must say. I came upon the following in a particular brochure while in the midst of purchasing...

There's something so pleasurable about the touch and feel of materials that are simply genuine. Just like the Nokia 6170. Designed with stainless steel covers, the Nokia 6170 encapsulates the true form of strength and beauty in a phone - sleek exteriors, internal substance and innate sophistication. Contemporary geometry meets sleek stainless steel covers, creating an ergonomically compact and durable casing that holds an effortless interface...

Man was she perfect. It was truly beauty beyond words. As she provided the final details of the specific features of my new mobile and my subscription plan, I could only gaze upon in wonder. Another one of God's best works, I told myself. There was something about her that attached my mind to her, an angelic aura. I convinced myself that it must be fate since it was the electronic queuing system that designated our queue numbers and counters. Buying a phone had never been anymore pleasant. Well, it wasn't quite possible for me to hog on to that counter forever and the brief fairytale had ended as soon as it had begun. For myself, what I have to take away with me from this was being able to know her (and her name too) and the chance of knowing that my new phone had been blessed by an "angel".

An advert for myself...
That girl whom served this ordinary looking guy at counter 3, queue number 1198 at the Hello! shop at Killiney. Sale item : Nokia 6170. Reply asap.

And as I promised my good ol' pal, an advert space here for him...
Looking for a girl who's sporty yet gentle, active, able to play musical instruments esp the piano, long hair, fair, considerate, of course not forgetting a good personality. If by the grace of God you who's reading this have the above mentioned, please do not hesitate to leave your contacts with me, well maybe in the comments column. If not, you can ask for my friend's blog site.

(I'm expecting a big fat zero reply to these ads... Its pure impossible but since its Christmas, who knows...)

Normality Resumed

2004-12-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

I've been extremely busy lately. Its no wonder that I noticed a huge spider-web growth while logging into my account. "Must be ages since I last blogged..." was the immediate thought I had and it was true. So after a month of inactivity, here's my long-awaited entry.

Choosing not to blog was not an option for me from the beginning as there were plenty of obstacles put in my way. First of all there was the small matter of my friend inviting me to be a guest author for a short story that he wanted on his blog. Being a simple-minded person with a limited brain capacity, this assignment became more of a hindrance to my blogging mind, disrupting my momentum. Not that my friend's invitation was unwelcomed, it was a refreshing challenge for me and I would not mind such an opportunity if it strikes again. For anyone who have a thing for horror stories (mainly the horrible writing), go visit www.jerome.blogdrive.com

Then disaster hit me. My ever so reliable computer broke down unexpectedly. Just when the thought of my precious blog floated into my mind it had to die on me. I listed some of the reasons that had contributed to such a disaster.

a) The poor machine suffered from a long period of wear and tear and inevitably broke down.
b) The machine unfortunately got infected by those deadly viruses while I opened my e-mail.
c) The machine got extremely disgusted at Sylvester going into the S'pore Idols finals and as a result, got so sick that it felt it could not function anymore.

I'd like to believe the latter was not the ultimate cause of my computer's breakdown but after watching (in horror) the performances of the so-called sly idol wannabe, I became convinced that he was the main culprit. After all, my computer is placed (rather unfortunately) in close vincinity to the television in the living room. Maybe it would not have been so bad if that perpetual lousy singer had not made it through. If he had been kicked out, things could have resumed normality. But thankfully for some common sense and for God's good taste in music, the better singer won eventually. I guess that was why my computer started working again. After all that hype surrounding the Idols competition, I'm just glad that my poor ears are now spared from all that pathetic singing. Last I heard, the local blind and deaf societies had seen a tremendous increase in its members, mostly of whom are Sly fans.

November also saw my worst luck in the betting arena. It seem that I was destined to lose whatever wager I had. But I did not take it to heart for I believed that no person could be down for too long. It was a pretty good way to donate some money to charity and the society too, if my perception of the Singapore Pools is anything to go by. Indeed my bad luck went away with the dark November. December brought some good luck along with it and I'll be looking to add more joy to my Christmas this year.

Well just less than two weeks to Christmas and now everything is back to normal again. At least I'm blogging again.

A Weapon of Mass Destruction

2004-11-13T13:21:00.000+08:00

Of late, I've been inspired to ask myself a very intriguing question. A question of such importance, with much emotional and self-provoking worth attached with it. No, it has absolutely nothing to do with the military, surprisingly. It is very much based on the affairs of the heart, a topic which I try very hard to avoid having tasted not much success in this field, try as I may. A rather close friend of mine, QueZo, had indicated that a girl has expressed her interest in him. Upon hearing that, I offered my congratulory handshake and my limited help along with it. And as if by reflex, the question immediately reflected in my mind, "How many girls have actually expressed their interest in me?"

Summoning my mathematical prowess, I added up each and every time when I got lucky with love. To my great dismay, I could not get past the big fat zero mark. So there it hangs, a zero on my report card where my close pal had gotten off the mark. To be honest, my inability to attract the fairer sex did not come as a big surprise to me, for I feel that I'm far too average a guy. Even any one of the lamp-posts on the streets would have been far more outstanding than me. Well, I'm still very glad for my friend now that this had happened, despite my pathetic state. We used to be in the same boat when it comes down to love but it seems that now he is in a class of his own, or so I think...

It turned out that QueZo may have attracted the wrong kind of girls after a much detailed analysis, which I shall term it fatal attraction. Attraction of the deadliest kind, for it does not survive long once its shelf-life has expired and it deals a serious bit of damage to the attractor's fragile and emotional heart. The attractee, like a tourist on a stopover midway from the final destination, stays around the transit lounge and spends a fair bit, contributing to business at the air terminal. Just when everybody's happy, their time is up and they leave in a jiffy, forgetting to clean up the mess they left behind. And my mate, the QueZo international airport, will have to stay open for these familiar tourists, no matter rain or shine. So far, he has had two tourists visited him but it may not stop there. I can say that this stop-and-go has left QueZo in a pretty bad shape and quite worn out.

This leads up to another problem, which is how do you actually know, that when a girl expresses her interest in you, if it is truly Lady Luck and Love shining on you or a disaster in the making, the latter being much more of an insincere opening up of her feelings towards an unknowing victim. The ambiguity that surrounds this question clouds up most of us and fails to fade away. My perception of such matters has also taken a twist, engineered by the twisted nature of such an event. If I happen to be the advisor to the UN, I would have classify these acts as a form of terrorism, as they are uncalled for and very unneccessary, causing innocent victims if these acts are unselective. It may just be a simple "I like you" but the motive is questionable. Such weapons of mass destruction shouldn't even be paraded in the first place.

Without doubt, there are many instances of the usage of this weapon that turned out to be quite a happy affair, mainly due to the fact that they are used for the right motives. Quite similarly, a nuclear plant could turn out to be extremely deadly if fallen to the wrong hands. Sincerity and credibility are what guys look for, especially when it comes to "I like you" but if the example of QueZo is anything to go by, I rather not wish it upon myself. In that case, I'd better thank my lucky stars for shining on me and protecting me. If only they could just do the same when it comes to soccer betting, I would be a contented man. That's another story altogether and for the time being, I will have to raise my guard against any girl who says "I like you". Now if that is ever going to happen...

HIStory Of Her

2004-11-11T01:44:00.000+08:00

It is as near to you as your life, but you can never wholly understand it. -Sepet

He had given up all hope
Resigned to his fate.
Once terrorised by an experience
that he can never forget.
It left a scar in his heart
He's wounded for life.
All that had changed when she appeared...

She became a saviour to him
Saving him from going under.
Her pure simplicity touched him
Her gentleness warmed his heart.
She came from a difficult background
He sincerely wanted to help
A chance with her was never on the cards but he did not mind...

Blinded and mesmerised by this angel
He knew she was the one.
But his road to happiness is littered with obstacles,
Impossible to overcome.
Never did he knew
That this one-way street
Wasn't going to be big enough for two...

A belief in something so strong
Kept him holding on.
Though they were very much different
In words and thoughts.
They became a little more closer than friends,
But yet a little short of being lovers.
He persistently held on, never wanting to give up
He never saw it coming...

She already had someone else in her life
That piece of news cut through his heart like a knife.
Whatever it is he told himself never to give up
He wanted to be there for her even if he could not win her heart.
The ending may not pretty but nothing could deter him
He already had a place for her in his heart
He simply couldn't live without her...

His dream finally materialized,
When she agreed to a date with him.
Talked and shared about everything they had,
Just like two long-time friends.
They had even caught a movie together
Deep in his heart he wished this date could last forever
But all good things come to an end, this he should have known better...

He had to leave her behind,
To fulfill certain obligations in his life.
Farewell to the place where they first met,
Farewell to everything he thought... or wished he had
He could come back and see her again
Hoping that she will not forget
But in reality will things turn out the way he wanted?...

She had already moved on to another phase of life,
A new place, new job to start over again.
They gradually lost contact in the months to come,
He yearned to see her and hear from her
At least to know how she is doing.
What could he do?
Is the feeling he had for her mutual?...

Now his hope just hangs upon a string,
She and him could never be.
But no matter what he finally knows,
deep down in his heart
She will be loved...

Bye Bye Ring Ring

2004-11-08T20:11:00.000+08:00

Call them whatever you like, handphones,cellphones,mobile or a fashion accessory, these little inventions that were once a revelation in technology are now simply a menace. It didn't occur to me initially, when the tinge of excitement and anticipation of possessing a little mobile gadget were still hanging over my head. After years of cohabiting with my mobile, I've realised that it bears a slight resemblance to women, or rather girlfriends and wives in particular, at least from my own opinion.

They are what you cannot live without but you wish that you could... at times. Times when they get especially irritating, when you just want a quite peaceful afternoon to yourself but they just keep whining at you constantly, getting on your nerves. When you wish to have them by your side they simply disappear and go out of sight. When you need them, the reception never gets better, try as you may. Just as guys have difficulties keeping their eyes peeled on some other beautiful ladies, there always seem to be newer and more attractive new models (phones, that is) that catches their attention. And when you happen to forget about them for a day, be prepared to get grilled when you face them the next time. That was what I encountered when I so conveniently left my mobile behind at home as I went out.

The thought of my mobile phone immediately crossed my mind when I could not find my friend that I was supposed to meet at the MRT station. The option of returning back home to retrieve it was not entirely out of the question but I understood that along with it came the risk of turning up late for duty. Weighing my options carefully, I finally chose to eliminate the risk rather than having my handphone with me along with some senseless military punishment meted out. The military are well-known to be quite ruthless when it comes to these sort of things... and rather brainless too. In a way itself, I felt that it could be a challenge to me, to see if a mobile phone is indeed that indispensable. Well, all I can say is that the absence of my precious mobile was replaced by a day of serenity and peace.

First of all, the right side of my pants felt a sensation like never before. Not only lighter, but the unsightly and uncomfortable bulge has also disappeared. Secondly, the likelihood of my day being plagued by unneccessary calls and SMSes was nil, providing me a rare chance to relish the feeling of vanishing away from reality into my own wonderland where no one could find me. It felt pretty good overall, except for the occasional urges to indulge in messaging and to call. Living without a mobile phone did not turn out to be that disastrous, as some might think.

The real problem came when I finally reached home later that day. My handphone screen simply read "22 missed calls". The problem wasn't quite big anyway as majority of those missed calls were simply made by A friend of mine(a guy..) who needed to contact me. It would have been more comforting for me if those 22 missed calls consisted of
1.A girl that I like and wished she would call
2.A girl that I admire and hope that she may call even though that is quite impossible
3.Any other friend except that particular guy

At least the thought of me being remembered by so many would have brightened up my day very much indeed.

Movie Trivia

2004-10-18T21:33:00.000+08:00

I'm an avid movie-goer. I always try to make time to enjoy a good movie amidst of my hectic schedule in which I only have got weekends to spare. But it is never easy, even just to accomplish something as minor as catching a movie. When the time comes and I get the "feeling" to go catch a movie, I would be tempted to look up some of my closer guy pals to invite them along. To begin with, I have always wondered why is it that people (at least for those that I know) have to go watch a movie in groups of two or more? I never got to find out why but it seems that idea has transfixed itself onto me as whenever I intend to hit the theatres, somebody has to be there with me. Therefore, I decided on a change and attempt to do something different from my routine, i.e. to watch a movie by myself.

The reaction I got from my friend the moment I told him about my idea wasn't very encouraging."You're pathetic..." he simply said. Well, I can't blame him for not seeing my point due to the fact that he belongs to the kind of person that cannot survive without company. I say this because judging from the number of contacts that he has in his phonebook, one would think he has the whole population of Singapore as friends, although majority of his contacts are actually girls. Come to think of it, the number of female contacts in his phonebook is way more than the number of contacts I have in MY phonebook. Anyway, I figured that my idea sounds pretty good and it would be something I had never done before so heck, why not?

For now, I'm glad to say that I have watched four movies by myself so far without major glitches. The four being, 13 Going On 30, The Terminal, White Chicks and most recent of all Sepet. Though all four are brilliantly produced movies, I had always noticed something weird at each screening I went to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the movie but instead the people present in the cinema. That is an exclusive advantage of watching movies alone as you now have the opportunity to, besides concentrating on the storyline unfolding before you, divert your attention to people around you and that can be another form of entertainment in itself. If Lady Luck shines on me, there could be a possibility of a hot chick sitting next to me too. Alas, the latter did not happen as I had wished for but I did witness some strange behaviour from weird people. From the poor lady sitting next to me who sobbed uncontrollably throughout The Terminal (I thought it was supposed to be a comedy) to the jiggling fat obnoxious girl who bellowed like thunder throughout White Chicks (she sat next to me as well...sob), poking my arm everytime she dug into her bag of chips to the gay guy who kept covering his mouth while he giggled and at the same time clutching to the hand of his other guy friend next to him throughout Sepet, each and every weirdo had cast a lasting impression on me. But I still sincerely hope that somebody normal, preferably female and very hot, will finally take their seat next to mine as I continue in my lone quest to watch movies in the future.

From what I had reaped from my solo movie adventure, I gather that this was not as "pathetic" as my friend had put it across to me. Understandably, everyone has their different views but as I think back, I feel solo movie watching does has it fun too. How many of us will actually make full use of the company of friends while watching a movie in a cinema, except to discuss how hot the girl sitting two rows in front is? I guess the only use of your friends being with you is that you have company when you finally get to relieve yourself in the washroom after the movie.

Faith For The Blind

2004-10-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

Maybe money is not the only thing that makes the world go round, faith could play a very similar role too. That might sound like a revelation but it is quite true as I found this out over the past few days while with a close pal of mine. Having just once a week to meet up with each other, we caught up and had plenty to talk about as usual, ranging from the going-ons of the soccer scene to the what's new showing at the theatres. This topic of discussion came about after we had a game of soccer, when our minds were functioning best after a good exercise albeit us having been thrashed thoroughly earlier on. It has been a touchy topic all along but my "brother" decided to bring it up and let us face the music, instead of cowardly hiding from the truth.

He started the ball rolling by bringing up his gathering with his bunch of army pals and sharing those interesting moments where he and his buddy tried sabotaging the others. After which he told me of another guy friend of his who happened to have two fabulous pretty girls with him, both apparently trying to win his heart (and he having just broken up with an air stewardess ex). This got me wondering and I thought out aloud, "Why does it always seem that no girls will be interested in us?" The reply I got from my bro was quite nothing like what I had expected.

"You know..." he began, "we are quite nice guys actually." Continuing with much vigour. "There are girls that will be interested in us but... we won't be interested in them." He put it across quite bluntly. For that moment, I do not know whether to feel saddened by his pessimism or to be encouraged by his show of faith. Having self-reflected and pondered hard about it, I felt that the latter gave me more belief in this funny thing which I cannot and will never comprehend. With both of us having not much luck in this game of love, I was particularly impressed by the way he still had so much faith in it. For a start, this way of thinking gave us the assurance of knowing that there are actually girls out there for us, but we do not bother trying for them due to the fact that they are of indecent standard.

Not that we are extremely good-looking guys ourselves but there has got to be a certain benchmark when it comes to girls. But I do suppose all these wouldn't really matter when the time really arrives and the "right" one comes along... at least from those lovey-dovey couples I see around me. After all, I should have a certain amount of faith in love if what my close buddy says and thinks is true. Love Is Everything... or is it just a lie?

Cheap Solutions To An Expensive Problem

2004-09-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

I just discovered a change in me. No it is not puberty and yes, I am still bloody stuck in army. So what could it be? I guess it is the poems that have been coming up lately in which every single one of them is a true representation of my feelings now and then. "The Next Eternity" marks the end of my pursuit for something that I shouldn't be even pursuing in the first place. It originated when I heard the song by Jeff Chang and I felt it was worth penning down as the lyrics touched me deeply. The latest is just about a dream that I have quite often in camp while the weird one in between about the RIGHT girl is just a wild wacky thought of mine. It sure feels good to be able to confide and express feelings this way when inspirations run thick and fast through my mind. I'm sure more will be coming up in this space as I spend each passing day in camp.

This weekend has been a different one though as I got the "exclusive" privilege of spending Saturday night out at the Padang, enjoying the clear night view and the starry night. But it was rather unfortunate as I clearly did not remember opting to go for such an activity. Its kind of like those e-mails where they claim that you have won a prize as you have signed up for something which you don't remember in the first place. And like always, just as we classify these e-mails as spam, that star-gazing activity was similar in a way, very frustrating, irritating and useless to the person having to deal with it. From the way that I have described it, you probably would have guessed that such a nonsensical activity have got something to do with the army, and you probably would have been right. It was the Sheares Bridge Run held in conjunction with the army half-marathon. Judging the amount of work needed to be done just to hold a half marathon, I really cannot bear to imagine the things needed to do if they decided to hold a full marathon. They would probably start preparations for next year's event once the current one finishes.

I guess the reason that "Sheares Bridge Run" was more emphasised than "army half-marathon" was mainly because most of the competitive runners (particularly those who ran well and actually won top prizes) were in fact, not from the army. Well, I suppose they had to link the term "army half-marathon" together with it in order to get free labour to help out with the preparations and the proceedings. Cheap move no doubt but hey, we've got nothing to do in the army as well. This may prove to be the solution to a current problem we are facing now, whether to build a casino here or not.

While the masses are busy debating the pros and cons of a casino here or how it may damage people's life and family, I thought of a brilliant solution that could increase the revenue of our country if the proposed idea of a casino came through. Instead of hiring people to man the casino, they could actually use people from the army, seeing that we really don't have anything much to do anyway. It is a cheap source of labour after all and there surely would not be a shortage of manpower since it is bloody compulsory. Guys having to serve would, for the first time, actually enjoy themselves and keep busy. What way to better serve our nation than to help improve our revenue. Seeing that the only enemies clear and present to us are the extremists and terrorists, we could invite them in for a little wager or two and let them have a good time. And if we get lucky ourselves, they may get so addicted that the so-called "harmful and ruining" effects due to an overdose of gambling may take effect on their lives and eventually destroy their family, which is the terrorist networks. Well if that fails, they may just find us a pleasant little country after all and leave us alone after collecting their winnings, since it is better to make another friend rather than an enemy.

Lost, Will I Be Found?

2004-09-25T03:30:00.000+08:00

The warmth of the sunshine comforts my face,
The light from the day takes away my loneliness
Never again am I trapped
Nor captured within senseless measures...

My life went back to what it used to be
Everything fell into place... I felt free
A sense of familiarity overcame me as
I got back what I had lost
I'm alive once more...

I had the freedom I once took for granted,
I regained consciousness to live life
I was filled with the lost innocence of my childhood,
I felt what I had not for a long long time...

Could this be...
A breakaway from my dreaded life?
A redemption for myself?
My second chance to make it right?

The cold darkened room greeted me as I opened my eyes,
I awoke to witness reality unfolding
A harsh reminder of where I actually am,
No way of escaping, all is lost...

Somebody wake me because I must be sleeping...

Dreaming Of The Right Girl

2004-09-24T02:09:00.000+08:00

CAPTIVATING
RAVISHING
EASY-GOING
TRUSTWORTHY
ELEGANT
SLENDER
ENDEARING
FRIENDLY
ALLURING

The Next Eternity

2004-09-17T15:27:00.000+08:00

On the day that bordered us apart
You did not say goodbye
And all I have left are images of you...
In my mind.

I stand alone wondering if love was ever present
Or am I just breaking my heart
I could not find an eternity with you
In our memories past.

If tomorrow I awake as a different person,
I will not love you again as a sinner
Never to remember that I had once loved you
Letting go of painful memories that my mind once filled.

Time itself is a test for us
Memories of our sad story are all became to dust
Scarred my heart with my pain numbed, those wounds will never heal
Accompanying me in my lonely quest for the next eternity with you.

Hopefully tomorrow I awake as a different person
Never to love you again as before
Hopefully I can forget you were once my inspiration
To accept life as it is and to love again.

Wishing...
That one day if we shall meet
We will embrace with open arms
And cherish the next eternity.

Hoping one day...
If we can ever reunite in our memories
We will be in the next eternity... together

Pure Madness from Within

2004-09-14T09:02:00.000+08:00

There is only one word that can describe the way my weekend has been. Crazy. Crazy for different reasons though, particularly for what I had managed to accomplish. To begin with, I finally got the opportunity to see an idol of mine up, close and personal. The ten-year wait came to a pleasant end when I turned up for his concert at the Indoor Stadium and it was one hell of a show, his standard of singing extremely outstanding. The hectic chase for this idol of mine brought me to Junction 8 the following day for his autograph session. I am not one who craze over any other celebrities but only those who are really and truly talented. I can now safely say the ten-year following have not been wasted.

Talented celebrities is becoming a rare species nowadays, somewhat nearing to the point of being extinct. I found out about this fact while watching the Singapore Hit Awards show. It just tells me something, that new artistes nowadays have become really really horrible. If the awards are to be presented to them, I suppose they should just name it as Singapore Horror Awards. Some of the awards were presented to certain artistes who did not deserve them in the first place, yet they still have a strong fan base and following here. Other artistes who deserved the awards ended up with zilch, no recognition for their excellent work.

A particular singer caught my attention, for the wrong reasons. He had an absolutely terrible singing voice that screeches everytime he tries to hit a high note and he just looks like your regular neighbourhood gangster that hangs out in coffeeshops. Which makes me wonder why he won best local artiste in the first place. His name sounded something like "dozen" in chinese.

Well, that certainly did not spoil much of my wonderful weekend. I even managed to squeeze in a movie between my busy schedule. "The Terminal" was a great movie with an exceptionally talented cast and absorbing plot that was comedic yet meaningful at the same time. Though the woman sitting next to me did freaked me out when she started sobbing midway through the movie. But other than that I really enjoyed the movie, especially when you have Catherine Zeta-Jones as an air stewardess.

The weekend came to a beautiful end when I got another chance to see another air stewardess (in this case, air stewardess in the making), this time in a picture. Not Catherine Zeta-Jones of course but close. All good things always come to an end and they truly did when reality hit me, telling me I have to return to camp. At least I will know that for this week, all I have in my photographic memory will be Jeff Chang, Catherine Zeta-Jones and another air stewardess friend, to take me through to the next weekend.

Brainless Thoughts

2004-09-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

While wasting my life away in camp, one of my friends gave me a pretty good thought to ponder about, thus presenting me with the opportunity to actually use my brain in camp. I jumped on that idea excitedly, seeing that I finally had something decent to do, but the question he had asked stumped me quite abit. "Why must we be in the army?" he lamented. Noticing that I was visibly stunned, he simply drooped his shoulders and walked away, resigned to his fate. That particular question, having crossed my mind before, had troubled me since but I shrugged it off as I just could not figure out the answer.

Now that it has resurfaced, I was tempted to give him the same age-old answers that I have been hearing, "It is because you're a guy and it is your responsibility" or "Because you are born and raised here in Singapore". Considering that he himself might have heard it a billion times before, I decided against my initial response for my own well-being as he looked irate and frustrated when he approached me, desperate for an answer that made sense. Staying in these camps can really drive you crazy at times.

NS is also known as national service... I marveled at my brilliance. But if that is the case, then shouldn't the entire population be serving the army if it is on a national scale? Nah, not a good explanation. If I followed the four lettered word that is emblazoned on the back of all the dull grey t-shirts that we are made to wear, ARMY would just simply mean A Really Meaningless Youth, since it has become their practice to capture innocent young civilian men and enforce onto them the military life, thus wasting 2.5 years of their precious youth. I am sure my friend would have been pretty contented with that answer, more for wit than reason, but he had already left.

Maybe the myth of losing your brain cells when you enter the army really has some truth in it after all. Having just moved to another camp for whatever training, a few of us came upon a drab and empty room that seemed to have been vacated since the last World War, multi-layered of dust and five-year old lizards greeted us when we entered. We could not do much but to bunk in that room. The unthinkable happened. A portly figure appeared at the door early next morning. No it is not a ghost although its facial features had a certain amount of similarity. "It" spoke out in a stern voice that sounded more like a warning, "Do you all realise that this is an office ah? How can you all bunk in here huh?" I realised he happened to be some big shot from that camp. I stared at the so-called "office" and turned to him, immediately wondering if he had ever seen a real office before. Perhaps in the army, the level of IQ you possess is inversely proportionate to your rank.

The strangest thing to happen had yet to come. Another friend of mine approached a guy who was just about to go for his night off and requested a favour from him. He apparently had a craving for some food from KFC and so he said, "Hey get me a colonial burger later k?"

Images of a clumsily made burger with a british flag sticking out on the top flooded my mind as I tried to fathom out what he intended to say. It wasn't until very much later when I figured out that he must have been trying to say colonel burger then my mind rested at ease. This just proves that staying overly long in camp indeed kills your brain cells away.

Of Birthdays and Headaches

2004-08-28T18:52:00.000+08:00

Somehow, I feel this period of time between mid-August and September has not been very kind to me. Don't get me wrong, it is not due to the impasse between Starhub Cable and ESPN. Neither is it due to the dumb out-camp training I am involved with at a camp whose facilities belong to the 80s. Its just that the scatter of friends that I know happen to celebrate their birthdays during this period. Add my father to that growing list and it just adds up to one big headache. The pain in my head grows as fast as the hole in my pocket. Worse still, the question of what to get them is what bothers me the most. It sure feels good when you are on the receiving end of such pampering but all is taken away from you when the onus is on you to shower your friends with what they deserve.

Will it be appropriate if their birthday gift is of some similarity to yours, be it in terms of monetary value or form? What does he really wants? What if he sees the exact same thing in a clearance sale at an abandoned warehouse? These questions pound my head further. Sure enough there goes a saying "Its the thought that counts." If that is the case, it would have been enough if I ever remembered their birthdays. At least I THOUGHT of them. Somehow or rather, the words of that particular saying brings with it a whole new meaning these days. A little token of appreciation have to be accompanied with your so-called thought. My task could be simplified if the "token of appreciation" was purely judged on how much I actually appreciated the particular receiver of my gifts.

This topic was brought up for discussion over lunch about a week ago. My dad's opinion of things could certainly teach me a thing or two. Since this irritating question pops up every now and then, some advice should come in handy. "Gifts are, in fact, not that important when it comes to birthdays..." my father paused as he took a bite of his dim-sum delicacy. "What matters most is the way that you normally treat your friends, especially those that are closer to you. If you and your friend spend enough quality time and your friendship is built upon years of trust and understanding, a simple birthday greeting on his special day will do. Look at me and my long time buddy. I have known Chew for over 20 years now and birthday or special occasions never did pose many problems for us. After all its the thought that counts." That last sentence rang a bell in my head.

Digesting my father's pieces of information, I sensed what he said had some truth in it. Remembering a friend's birthday just for the sake of remembering depreciates the thought. The value of your thought would have been far greater if you remember a friend's birthday because of the solid friendship that have been built over time. You want to remember and celebrate because this person means much to you. With that, I realised that my problems have been lifted. Mentally erasing some of the unsuitable names from my list, I was left with a few friends that was worth the thought AND the present. I became convinced that this would be money well spent for friends that I truly cared for.

Out of sheer curiosity, I asked dad another question. "Well then... So do you remember Uncle Chew's birthday?" he stared down at his half drunk chinese tea and thought hard about it. "Hmm... I don't really remember..." came a confused reply. Well, so much for the thought of a close friend.

(But my memory's better though, so here's to those mentioned... Happy belated Birthday to Nicholas, same for Tomas, Qingwei and Xuehan. Happy Birthday to Jerome a.k.a Jay, Cassandra and of course my father. Happy Birthday Dad...)

Murmurs Of The Shameless In The Dark

2004-08-21T14:54:00.000+08:00

I have never been quite able to figure certain people out. Call me simple but I reckon that some of these shady creatures are not as simple as we make them out to be. They could even be more eerie than "those that we don't speak of". As such, they might be compelled to find hideaous coveralls that provides more room than those flimsy red ones in "The Village", considering the amount of behind-your-back deeds they intend to carry out. I discovered this when a trusty buddy of mine let me in on some precious info that I missed out while he was present at a gathering in which I was supposed to be present too (but I've got more important things to do, like watching the NDP parade).

"Hey, you know, S mentioned something about you and your ex at our gathering? Damn funny man... Got the whole class laughing..." he broke the news to me unwittingly. S never quite gave me a good impression during college days. Being the smart girl that she is, she tends to know too much of info, most of them which rendered quite useless. Blessed with smouldering looks, crystal-like eyes and porcelain skin, she got the adrenaline of many males pumping whenever she passes by. She too managed to keep abreast (no pun intended) of the latest gossip or rumour with her female counterparts. The latest released by her happened to hit bestseller with my classmates but for me it was like a stab in the dark.

According to her reliable resources, her friend-cum-spy-cum-busybody reportedly witnessed me sending my ex-girlfriend home. This sounds suspicious as the last time I severed ties with my ex-girl was during ancient times and by releasing this piece of news only now, one can wonder how reliable and accurate her sources are. Following that, she claimed that I had instructed the taxi-driver to drop her off at the main road juncture and left her to walk the remaining journey back home. It put me in really bad light. If I was really the scrooge that she made me out to be, I would have invited my ex to walk all the way home. Or similarly, I could have brought S along to irritate the taxi driver with her blabber mouth till he gets so mad that he orders us off his vehicle. Considering her exclusive gossiping talent, I am certain that she can last me the entire journey from Orchard to Tuas.

Being the reasonable person that I am, I refrained myself from going into any personal battle with her. Instead, I gathered my thoughts, pondering over what could have caused such a fabricated and outlandish outburst from that girl. Three possible reasons surfaced:
a. She bore a grudge against me.
b. She began to resemble her new pet puppy, a female one at that.
c. She was not in the right state of mind when she spoke those words.

From what I figure, I suppose option C would be the most suitable explanation for her actions. Perfection has never been a known trait that existed within mankind. When our actions somehow go wrong, our state of mind becomes the axis of our little crime. It is never easy, whether controlling our thoughts, speech or action, especially when all these can affect interpersonal relationships. People say it is a jungle out there and jungle survival has never been more important. From this particular incident, all I can say is while we are out there, beware of a shady, hideaous creature in a red hood lurking among the trees. It may turn out to be a psychotic rumour-wielding person who is out to harm you... "Those that we don't speak of".

An Inspiration to Life

2004-08-15T06:27:00.000+08:00

Simplicity at its very best
Ingenuity of God's creation
Though life never did play her a good card
Ingrained within her is a heart of gold

Resemblance of an angel
One of its kind
Heavenly beauty etched in my mind
Held in my memory as the eighth world wonder
A precious sight to behold
Nothing on earth could match her splendour
Inspiration to my life.

HEY... ITS BEEN AWHILE...

2004-08-09T18:24:00.000+08:00

Just one day into this long weekend of mine, I received a call from my best buddy from college. He was the kind of guy who would not call for no reason so I answered his call with great expectance. "Hey Bernard... There is a class gathering this weekend, wanna come along?" Those words immediately weighed me down. After all, what I can remember of my class in college is as little as what I had learnt since entering the NS, National Service for short (Nonsensical Service for me), a phase in which innocent young men are captured by force to enter this unfortunate service sector. Though it is meant to instil some national pride in us young men, I do not see how it can be achieved by doing this. But I digress. I asked for some time to consider about the gathering as I was torn between going and not going, and promised to get back to my buddy soon.

For all I know, the enjoyment of the long weekend had been taken away from me as all that filled my mind was to think about whether to go for that little gathering of mine. I weighed the pros and cons, thought about what better things to do besides reuniting with my college classmates and even tried to formulate presentable yet reasonable excuses if my final decision was not to turn up at the gathering. The reason for this big hoo-ha was quite simple. Those classmates of mine were not your usual classmates. To put it simply, they gave me a sense of distrust and impressed upon me that they were my classmates just for the sake of being my classmates, unlike some of my friends whom I really consider as close, clean-cut friends. It may just be me being slightly introverted but one can tell a true friend from a fiend. There were certain incidents which put some of my classmates in a difficult spot and which I felt certainly could have been avoided. Come to speak of, there was another incident too in which I was involved with (unwillingly) and its haste conclusion simply disgusts me. I am not one to bear grudges but there is a saying that goes 'You can forgive but never forget'. Yes, when people come together there are bound to be wrongings and misunderstandings but these so-called 'misunderstandings' do not stop coming. A deeper interaction with my classmates reveals much about their innermost thoughts and the revelations are shocking. Almost each and every one of them will have displeasing opinions about a certain person. I certainly think that one could live with lesser enemies.

And once people sharing the same opinions and attitude come together, they form something called a clique. The ones left over who do not belong in any cliques happen to be those who tend to stay neutral, and I belong to one of them. This leaves me with nothing to talk about with the rest of my scheming classmates, only the two or three innocent neutrals. News was that the two or three neutrals' attendance at the gathering was yet to be confirmed and I was left in a dilemma. My best buddy had to be there as he was pressed to go.

I began to think reasonably. I must say this doesn't happen very often with me. They were after all, my college friends who, fortunately or unfortunately, spent the past two years with me. We may not have gone through thick or thin but we did rode through the rough college course together. Having shared joy and sorrow, I have to learn to accept that they were once part of my life before. Since it was lunch on a Sunday, I suppose it was no harm to see them again, to relive the old times. That last piece of thinking got me really glad for my maturity had began to show a year into young adulthood. I had found a conclusion to my dilemma.

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday as I awoke. I slept late into the morning and went ahead with my breakfast nearing the afternoon. After which, I proceeded to indulge myself in my latest acquisition, Winning Eleven 8. They may be my classmates but to leave them in my memories would be satisfying enough for me.